Chapter 12: The Conversation

“So how are you Zahraa?” he asked casually. His heart was racing at an unbelievable pace; he wondered if she could hear how his voice just trembled.

He could see that she was taken by surprise. 'She didn’t see me coming', he thought to himself.
Despite her surprise however she managed, as always, to maintain her composure. Gracefully she answered:

“I’m fine Zaheer, I’m doing well. How are you?”
“Well I’m good too.” He replied coolly.

For a short while they just looked at each other. Zaheer had no words to describe what he was feeling and he had no idea what to say to Zahraa. He wondered if she felt the same way.
Zahraa was the first to break the silence: “So what are you doing now?” she asked. “Where do you work?”

Somehow Zaheer was really not in the mood for chit chat, not with Zahraa anyway. Not wanting to seem rude, however, he answered: “Oh, just at some computer firm nearby. What about you? You’re still at the newspaper?”
“Yip” Zahraa replied.

Zaheer thought that it was strange. It was as if they had nothing to speak about, nothing to say to each other. He plucked up the courage and brought up the subject.

“So” he said to her. “I heard that you getting married. I don’t suppose I know the guy.”
“No” Zahraa replied softly, “he’s not from nearby.” Then as an afterthought she continued. “His name is Haarith and he’s sweet, but I’m not getting married to him. Not yet anyway; we’re still getting to know each other.”
Zaheer could sense her discomfort. He knew exactly how she felt since he felt the same way. Zahraa had always been so easy to talk to; they had always had a thousand things to say to each other. But now, sitting here, he just felt incredibly uncomfortable.
As a way of making conversation Zahraa continued to talk.
“What about you Zaheer?” she asked. “Are you getting married anytime soon?”
“No” he replied flatly.

And then, silence again.

That was it, Zaheer couldn’t take it anymore. He had imagined saying so many things to her. He had imagined telling her all he felt. But now, instead, all there was was silence. He was about to get up and make some excuse for having to leave, he suspected that Zahraa too would be relieved. But then suddenly a frightening thought struck him. What if this was it? What if this was how it all ended? Didn’t Zahraa just imply, minutes ago, that things between the guy and her were not yet confirmed? If he ever still had a chance, wasn’t it now?
But somehow he just couldn’t do it. Somehow his words failed him, his strength failed him, his courage failed him. He looked at Zahraa, fidgeting uncomfortably with her fingernails, and decided to just let go. What else could he do?

For a moment it seemed as if Zahraa actually looked at him pleadingly. As if she desperately wanted him to say something to her. But try as he may, Zaheer only manged to spurt out short and insignificant sentences.
“So I guess you’re enjoying the wedding.” He asked her.

Though his heart was silently breaking, though it ached to proudly affirm his love for her, his words somehow masked his pain as he continued making meaningless conversation.
“Well, it’s really beautiful.” Zahraa replied.
It seemed to him as if she was actually disappointed, though he couldn’t imagine why.
“So I take it you’re well then?” Zahraa asked. Her turn for mandatory banter.
“Im fine” was Zaheer’s short reply.

Zaheer sensed that Zahraa could no longer handle it, especially since he felt the same way. She rose to leave, making up some excuse about going to help inside with the dishes. Zaheer didn’t blame her. He would have left along time ago since sitting here was just pure torture; but it was a kind of torture that he didn’t want to end since he knew that the silence and the distance between them that would inevitably follow would undoubtedly be worse. So he sat there, hoping that this had all been different, but dreading when there would be nothing left at all.

Before she left, Zahraa stood close to him and said her parting words.
“I hope I’ll see you around soon Zaheer” she said kindly, though he knew that she didn’t really.
“Take care of yourself ok.”

Zaheer’s words failed him yet again. All he could mutter was: “Likewise.”

And then she left.

And then he was alone.

Chapter 11: The Wedding

For a small wedding, it had turned out to be quite a spectacular event. It had also turned out to be quite replete with drama. Traditionally, in their society, the wedding party was thrown by the brides family, while the waleemah was given by the groom. Ahmed and his bride, Aadila, had however decided to abandon cultural traditions. They had insisted that they only wanted the compulsory nikah, and the Sunnah waleema. For this reason the families had decided to hold the function together.

The morning started with a hysterical bride. Aadila had insisted that she wanted to keep things as simple as possible but her mother had gone out of the way to turn the small garden into a breathtaking sight. Aadila kept crying, insisting that this was not how she wanted it. In the end her mother had won, and she had to give in to all the decorations and fanciness that her family had prepared.

Zahraa had to admit that the venue was truly beautiful. Nobody would have imagined that this was an ordinary garden. The tables were decked with elegant cloths and the floors were streamed with the most beautiful petals. The nearby trees and leaves were spray painted gold and the garden flowers were perfectly manicured. The families had even hired a marquee that was perfectly placed around the set garden. The place looked stunning.

Aadila and Ahmed both had to contain their frustration. They had insisted on a small private wedding for the simple reason that they didn’t want it to be extravagant. After a while their parents had eventually given in. Yet now, even though they had managed to convince their families to throw the waleemah in a backyard, the families had still managed to turn it into a spectacular extravaganza.

Zahraa had arrived earlier, before the waleemah actually began, in order to help Miriam’s family with the food and serving. She wore a sleek and stylish elegant long black dress with a long scarf draped around her shoulders. The blue in her dress complimented the blue scarf that she draped around her head. Though she tried her utmost to remain calm, she contemplated Zaheer throughout the day.

Zaheer, not bothered by what he would wear, went to his wardrobe five minutes before he left and hastily threw together an outfit. He opted to wear one of his fancier kurtas for this small and intimate gathering. He threw it over quickly, before heading out the door.
He had spent the morning contemplating how he would deal with Zahraa. What would he say to her? How would he react? He hadn’t really thought that Zahraa would actually wait around for him to get his act together, but somehow he never imagined her ending up with anyone other than him. He was disappointed, yet he knew that all of this was inevitable. Of course Zahraa would have to get married, he kept on telling himself. In the end he had just decided that he would simply wing it. He would simply, he told himself, deal with Zahraa if and when he saw her. It was really no use worrying over it now!

The nikkah was performed, before Zohr, at the Masjid closest to Aadila’s house. The waleemah began a few hours after the nikkah had ended.
Everybody unanimously agreed that the function was truly beautiful. From the families little talks, to the joy and happiness of the bride and groom; from the beautiful intimate affair that it was, to the stunning and superb decor; everybody seemed to be having a truly wonderful time. For the most part, Zahraa remained busy- helping Miriam and her family with whatever she could. It was only after a long while that she actually managed to grab a seat, and prepared to have something to eat.

The crowd of people were all gathered near the bride and groom in the front, so Zahraa made her way to one of the empty back tables in order to eat in peace.

In the meantime, Zaheer had been spending the past few hours amidst the crowds of people and he had had just about enough. He didn’t have anything against anybody, but the noise and buzz of the constant chatter permeated his mind and he decided to find a spot where he could be free from the surrounding people. Just then he spotted Zahraa, only a few tables away from the direction in which he was headed. He was about to turn around and walk away, avoiding her and the inevitable confrontation that would follow. But somehow, as if his legs had a life of their own, he continued walking until he found himself right by her table.

Zahraa hadn’t seen him approaching. She had just finished eating, and was waiting for Miriam to come and join her. She was preoccupied by her thoughts; wondering whether her joy for Miriam’s brother and the happiness he now felt, over weighed her sadness for the fact that she too longed to feel that very happiness. It was only after Zaheer actually sat down across her that she noticed his arrival.

Chapter 10: A change of mind

“Oh come on Zahraa, you really can’t ditch me like this. You haave to go!”

Zahraa, who had been increasingly dreading Miriam’s brother’s wedding, had called Miriam to inform her that she really didn’t want to go.
She had found some excuse about how tired she was and how much work she had to prepare for the following week. Unfortunately for her, Miriam knew her all too well.

“Don’t give me that!” Miriam had told her candidly. “You never stress out about work, you never have ‘too much work’ usually and you never usually let me down.”
“Come on Zahraa” Miriam continued. “I know why you don’t want to go, and you really don’t have to worry. You might not even see him there, so will you please just come?”

Over the past few weeks Zahraa had tried hard to convince herself that everything would be fine. She imagined that on seeing Zaheer she would be able to handle it. Her emotions took her through a series of daydreams in which she interacted with Zaheer in different ways. Sometimes she’d imagine herself telling him off, being honest with him and explaining how much he had truly hurt her. She would imagine that she'd tell him how he never truly cared for her and how, if he ever had cared he would never have let her go. Other times she’d imagine acting cool, pretending as if he didn’t really matter all that much. She’d imagine talking to him normally, as if nothing had ever transpired between them. A part of her was actually excited to see him, assuring herself that she wouldn’t let anything bother her.

But after she had received his email (to which she still had not replied) all her courage and bravado was washed away. Now she knew for sure that, in the event of seeing him, she had no idea how to react. It was at this point that she had decided that she could not possibly bear to see him and so she tried to make excuses to work her way out of the impending wedding.

“Please Zahraa, you have to come” Miriam continued. “Hafsah is already not going to be there. And I promise, if you guys leave me alone with all my aunts then I might just be the one who ends up getting married. I mean really, if I have to listen to one more conversation about how I better start shaping up in order to get married, I might just explode. And you really don’t want my blood on your hands, now do you?”

“Oh please” Zahraa replied laughing “don’t you think you being slightly over dramatic? They can’t really be all that bad, they just care for you that’s all.”

“Oh sure” Miriam replied with a snort. You know what one of them told me yesterday? She told me that I must start acting like a lady, and that I must begin keeping my opinions to myself because I’m getting older and I might miss the opportunity to get married. And as if that was not enough she went on about how men don’t age and how they never have a problem finding wives, and how I should start getting wiser!”

Zahraa could sense Miriam’s extreme frustration, but her reluctance in seeing Zaheer was still getting the better of her.
“Please Zahraa” Miriam begged sincerely. “I really need you there, apart from the aunties, you know Ahmed and I are close and I really think I'm gonna be kinda sad. I need your support. Please, its just one night.”
Zahraa was forced to give in.
“Fine” she said reluctantly, “I’ll go.”

It sounded as If Miriam actually clapped.
“Thanks Zah, I really appreciate it. I love you for this you know?”
“Well you better!” Zahraa replied sarcastically.
“I don’t even know what I'm freaking out about anyway” she continued. “He probably wont even notice me there anyway, right...?”

“Well...” Miriam replied reluctantly. “Who knows, he might.” Then as an afterthought she continued: “Hey, promise you won’t bail out on me if I tell you something.”
“Promise” Zahraa replied.
Miriam continued: “I think that Zaheer might have asked Ahmed about you, I'm not sure though. I mean he went out yesterday morning and said that he was hanging out with the guys, and I know that he often hangs out with Zaheer. Then when he came home, I mentioned something about the wedding and you or something and he showed a curious interest in you. When I asked him why he wanted to know, he just muttered something about how he was just asking.”

“So maybe he was just asking” Zahraa responded.

“Oh no,” Miriam replied with a laugh. “I know my brother, he never ‘just asks’. And these days his head is so far up in the clouds, I know that he would only ask about you for a specific reason you know.”
“So what did you tell him?” Zahraa asked.
“Well, I told him the truth. I told him that you busy with a proposal and, because I suspected that he was asking on behalf of someone else, I told him that you’re happy.”
“Thanks Miriam” Zahraa replied gratefully.
“No problem” Miriam replied obligingly.
Zahraa promised to meet up with Miriam the next day, and they said their goodbyes.

Later that night Zahraa thought about all that happened. She was so confused. Zaheer obviously didn’t care about her, so why was he asking about her now? Or maybe, she thought, Miriam was reading too much into it all. She considered replying to Zaheer’s email, but thought better of it. In the end she made a silent dua, asking Allah to give her strength and courage and to make all her matters easy for her. She knew deep down in her heart that Allah would always be by her side. She braced herself for the wedding and all that was still to come.

Chapter 9: More Information

“So let me ask you” Zaheer said. “Have you heard anything about Zahraa from high school, I mean I know she’s friends with your sister or something right?”
“Ja. Miriam speaks about her now and again” Ahmed replied. “They hang out with each other too.”
Zaheer continued probing him: “So how is she, do you ever see her?”
“Not really man” answered Ahmed “its not like she hangs out at my house or anything. I just hear about her now and again but I’m not all that interested so I guess I never really listened. Why are you asking anyway?”

Zaheer was silent for a while before replying: “I was just wondering about her, haven’t heard about her for a while now.”

Zaheer and a few other guys were spending the afternoon with Ahmed. He was getting married in a few days time and had called the guys together for a ‘guys afternoon’. The other guys had disappeared for a while and Zaheer had taken the opportunity to question Ahmed about Zahraa. He thought that maybe, being Miriam’s brother, Ahmed would have some good information.

Suddenly realization dawned upon Ahmed. “Oh ja” he said to Zaheer. “I remember now, you two had something going on there for a while right? Whatever happened there, you never did say.”
Zaheer replied reluctantly: “It’s a long story and I wont bore you with the details.”
But Ahmed wouldn’t let him off the hook that easily and insisted that he tell him. “Come on man, he said; “If its too long and complicated, give me the shorter version.”

Zaheer thought about it for a while. “Well,” he began “The truth is that she was probably too good for me. Everything she was, I think I just didn’t measure up. She was a dream that never could come true. And in the end, to tell you the truth, she wanted more than I could give her.”
“What do you mean” insisted Ahmed. “What did she want?”
“I’m not sure” replied Zaheer. “You know how women are, they really difficult to figure out. We were chatting with each other and having a great time and then all of a sudden she ups and leaves and tells me that she can’t do it anymore because its wrong. Okay fine, I get that, I mean I know she was better than me in so many ways and probably holier than me too. I don’t hold that against her, I admired her for it.”
“So?” asked Ahmed, clearly very interested in the story.
“Well so I respected her wishes. Obviously if she didn’t want to talk to me because she thought she was doing something wrong, then obviously I had to do what she said right, I had no other choice. I asked her if we could just slow things down you know, not chat and stuff so much, but she said that that wouldn’t happen.”

“The thing is” Zaheer continued “after a while I kept on thinking about what she said and I thought about how marriage might be a solution. But seriously man, I wasn’t ready for marriage. I hated losing her, but I didn’t feel like I could marry her either.”
“So what are you thinking now?” asked Ahmed.
“Well now” replied Zaheer “I’m thinking that if I had a choice between marrying her or losing her forever, I’d probably choose marriage.
“What’s so wrong with marriage anyway?” asked Ahmed.
“Nothing” replied Zaheer. “Its just that at that time I didn’t even have a steady job. I couldn’t even think of marriage you know? I was still just a kid.
“So where to now?” asked Ahmed. “What do you think can happen now?”
“I don’t know” replied Zaheer. “I really don’t know, I haven’t spoken to her since all of that went down and I don’t even know what’s been happening with her.”

“Ok man, I’ll do you a favour and try to find out from Miriam what she’s been up to. I’ll let you know.”

Just then all the rest of the guys returned and Zaheer and Ahmed’s conversation suddenly ended. Determined to enjoy the day out with the guys, Zaheer pushed all the thought of Zahraa aside for the rest of the afternoon.
Later that night Zaheer’s phoned beeped with an incoming message from Ahmed.
Spoke to Miriam about your girl. Not good news. Will speak.
Zaheer’s face dropped. What could ‘not good news’ mean? He couldn’t contain his curiosity and quickly dialled Ahmed’s number.
“What do you mean?” he asked Ahmed. “What did you find out?”
“Well” replied Ahmed. “Conveniently enough the subject came up earlier when Miriam and I were talking about my wedding. She invited Zahraa you know, so I guess you’ll see her there. I don’t know if you’ll want to though. Miriam told me that Zahraa’s got some guy, some proposal or something like that. His name is something with an H or something, forgot now. She said that Zahraa really likes him and that she’ll probably end up marrying him too.”

Ahmed was silent for a while, Zaheer was too.

“Sorry man, I hate to break it to you like this, who knows right, maybe Miriam is exaggerating about it all. You know how girls are.”
“Yeah, thanks man,” Zaheer replied “I asked right, you did me a favour. I suppose I never did expect her to be waiting around for me right? She was too good for me anyway.”
He thanked Ahmed for taking the effort to find out, assured him that he was ok with it all and calmy changed the subject.
But okay Zaheer was not and, for the rest of the night, he lay slumped on his bed in his lonely dark room with his lonely sad thoughts.

Chapter 8: Feelings

Haarith had called. He was interested. He had felt positive over his feelings for Zahraa and he was willing to meet again. Farida had informed them that she would tell her daughter and that she would contact them again. Now it was Zahraa’s turn. Her mother informed her about all that Haarith had said and how he was willing to meet again.
“So” Farida said to her. “What do you think? Do you think you like him or what? Do yout hink he could be a good match for you?”
“Im still unsure.” Zahraa replied. “I mean I read Istikhaara and made dua and stuff. I don’t feel super excited, yet I don’t feel negatvive about it either.”
“So what does that mean” Farida asked patiently.
“Well, I guess I have nothing to lose in meeting him again.” Zahraa replied. “He seems really nice and I was comfortable with him, so I think I’m willing to give it a second go. You can call them and let them know.”

A few hours later Zahraa was filling in Saaliha on all that she had missed. Saaliha and her husband had been gone away for a few weeks and, though Zahraa had discussed it with her on the phone, she was now telling her all about it in detail.
After Zahraa had completed, Saaliha asked her: “So what about Zaheer?”
Zahraa was taken by surprise: “What about Zaheer?” she replied.
“What’s going on there?” asked Saaliha.
Zahraa replied flatly: “Nothing’s going on there. He’s in the past. Why would you ask about him now?”

“Well”, Saaliha continued, proceeding with caution. “You talking about the proposal and for once it actually seems like it might actually work out and I was just wondering if you’re not still holding onto the hope of Zaheer? I mean, are you really actually over him?”
“I have to be over him” Zahraa replied, trying unsuccessfully to sound emotionless. “I have no other choice. Do I have some strange and wild dream that suddenly he’ll change his mind and come propose to me, well no- that would just be stupid!”
“But I mean, do you still like him? Saaliha asked
“I don’t know” replied Zahraa. “How can you tell?”
“Well I don’t know” replied Saaliha. “I guess you just know”

Zahraa thought about it for a moment before replying:
“Its strange because everything happened so suddenly. It was like one day we were professing our undying love, and the next day it was all just over. And so I took all those feelings and I stuffed it as far away as I could- at the very back of my heart and mind in a tight steel box. Its still there, I can feel it. Sometimes when I think about him and the past then I get the sense that that steel box is threatening to open. So you know what I do, I stop thinking about him. I push the box to the very back where it belongs for now.”
“For now?” Saaliha asked.
“Yes” Zahraa answered. “I suppose that one day when I’m happily married and completely over the past, then that steel box will somehow just disappear. Or one day when I hear that he’s happily married then it’s like I’ll know for sure that that steel box doesn’t belong to me anymore. I wouldn’t be able to keep it and so I guess that it’ll have to go.
I don’t know Saal, thats the only way I know how to describe what’s going on with me. Does it make any sense?”
“Yes” Saaliha replied. “It makes more sense then you realize. Besides, and I know that this may be hard to fathom now, but we all only end up with who we were meant to end up with. We don’t really have to worry about anything. Allah has plans for us all.”

It was only later that night that Zahraa logged on to check her emails. Much to her surprise she found, in her inbox, an email from Zaheer. She spent a few minutes contemplating whether to open it or not until her curiosity got the better of her. She read the email slowly:

“Assalamu Alaikum Zahraa. It’s been a long time hey. I’m not sure whether this email address even exists anymore so I guess I’m just hoping that this email gets delivered. I’ve been thinking alot about you lately and so I told myself that I had to email you to find out how you are. I’m sure you great, you’re always great. If you can, please get back to me. I’d really like to hear from you.”

Zahraa read it over again, contemplating what he meant by every word and every sentence. She stared at her screen for a long time, transfixed. In the end she moved the email to one of her other folders- out of sight, just like the locked steel box.

Chapter 7: Relief

Zaheer was in a good mood. Not one of those good moods you have when you happen to just wake up on the right side of the bed. No, rather one of those moods that make you feel as if you love the whole world, and the whole world loves you in return.
Earlier that morning Zaheer’s boss, Peter, had called the entire team into his office.
“Well guys” Peter had said, choosing his words carefully. “I have some news”.
Everybody was silent.
Peter continued: “As you all very well know, We’ve conducted comprehensive interviews with the whole team in order to determine who will be forced to go. Well, after all the work, and all the stress (Peter smiled slightly) I have to tell you all that we have come to a final decision.

Zaheer had tried his best to remain as calm as possible, reassuring himself that Allah most certainly, always has a better plan for all. He looked around at all the nervous faces of his colleagues and made a silent dua for them all.
“So now” Peter said. “Upper level management has decided that all of the employees on this team are extremely efficient and well, simply put, needed.” Then he was quiet for a moment.
“What on earth does that mean?” a confused Zaheer asked.
“Well” Peter replied “It means that nobody from this team will be leaving!”

Everybody was silent for a moment before they all burst into excited laughter and screams.
“Seriously”, Sam the new guy said: “They’re not even firing me?
“Well yes, Peter replied. “They think that this group, in fact this whole department, is generating such good results and they’re afraid to well, spoil a good thing.”

Zaheer made a silent dua, thanking Allah for easing his burdens, before joining the guys excited chatter.

“I was so worried” said Lionel. “Ive been looking around for a job but I couldn’t find anything. I couldn’t even manage to tell my wife. She’s eight months pregnant and I’ve been told not to stress her out. So I didn’t tell her anything. Good thing too because she would have worried for nothing.”

Zaheer’s other colleague Safwaan, the only other muslim guy in the team, was elated at this news. He had just gotten married and was really not willing to lose his source of income, nor his sanity. He explained to Zaheer how his new bride had stressed him out even more than the prospect of unemployment since she had been nagging him non stop ever since he told her.

“Really man” he told Zaheer. “I should have done what Lionel did and kept it a secret. She’s been on my case all the time. It’s not like I didn’t know all the consequences of losing my job, no instead she had to make it a point of nagging me about it every single day. I’m telling you, if I didn’t love her so much I’d seriously contemplate leaving until she promised to stop nagging. Aay, the things we do for love!”

Zaheer couldn’t help but feel a deep sense of joy. He felt as though he had achieved something, even though in reality he had done nothing at all. He got that feeling, the feeling one gets when they’ve completed a really tough exam and they know that it turned out better than expected. He was the unofficial team leader and so, in a way, he felt responsible for all of the guys. Seeing them so relieved made him relieved and knowing that his latest worry was over, gave him a true sense of joy.
That night he prayed his Esha salaah for a little longer than usual, thanking Allah for all of Allah’s favours and for giving him so much to be happy about.

There was just one thing, in his mind, that was always undone. He never truly imagined that he was over Zahraa. He hadn’t even questioned it. Ever since things with them had came to such an abrupt halt, there hadn’t been anybody else that he was interested in. Instead he had just focused on his career. The other day, when Sameer had spoken about Zahraa, Zaheer had felt such intense frustration that he knew for sure that his feelings for her did not manage to miraculously disappear. He had always assumed that his feelings fro Zahraa was linked to the nostalgic memory of high school and to the ‘high school’ emotions that he had once had. But now as he sat here, feeling at peace with everything in the world, he really wished that she was right here by his side, sharing the moment with him.

He knew then, though he had no solutions, that something needed to be done.

Chapter 6: Hopeful meetings

Here she was again. Sitting in her bedroom making dua while waiting for her possible future husband to arrive. As much as she had told Hafsah that she was done with it all, Zahraa just couldn’t bring herself to give up.’ Maybe this time’, she thought to herself, ‘maybe this time everything will just click’.

It was approximately a year since she and Zaheer had any contact and Zahraa was glad to say that she had managed to get back into the groove of things. At first it had been hard. After coming to the realisation that she had wanted to marry Zaheer, she couldn’t bring herself to accept the possibility of marrying someone else. Each time she had a proposal, she automatically turned it down. After a short while Zahraa began to come around. Though deep down she was still sad over everything that had happened, she kept on telling herself that Allah knew what was best for her; and that there was inconceivable wisdom in all of Allah’s plans. Slowly she started accepting the idea of someone else. Slowly she became hopeful that someone better was out there and that Allah would soon make their paths meet.

In the past year Zahraa had gone through a series of proposals, one more hilarious than the next. She was glad that, sometimes, despite the awkwardness of the whole situation she managed to get some great humour. At times, however, Zahraa would feel hopeless and despondent fearing that there was nobody out there for her. It was at these times that her faith would most seriously be tested and she would constantly make dua for strength.

Today Zahraa was in a particularly good mood. The latest proposal was due to arrive any time soon and she had just spent the past hour reading Qur'aan. She was filled with such a sense of hopefulness and pleasure that it was impossible not to be glad.

The proposals itself had gotten much easier. Maybe it was that she was used to it, maybe it was that she knew that time was moving on and that this was now inevitable for her or maybe she had just gotten more mature; but Zahraa calmly dealt with the situation every time. No longer nervous, unsure and emotional; Zahraa now managed to approach each new proposal calm and rationally.

She heard a car approach and waited for the guests to come into the house. After her parents had greeted his family, Zahraa entered into the foyer and calmly greeted and welcomed the guests. Then they all made their way into the lounge.

Zahraa believed very much in first impressions, and Haarith made a good first impression. Not only was he polite and poised, but he also behaved with respect and consideration to all. And though it definitely wasn’t her main criteria, his good looks worked in his favour.

Haarith worked as an architect at a construction company and was the oldest of three brothers. He was accompanied by his mother, her two siblings (his aunty and uncle) and one of his brothers. His father, as Zahraa had been told had passed away when Haarith was only ten years old, plunging Haarith into sudden maturity.

After chatting for a while, Zahraa and Haarith moved to an adjoining room where they could get to know each other just a little better. Haarith asked her about her job and about her feelings towards life, marriage and children. Zahraa asked him about his own life and about some of his practises and beliefs. Now that she was more experienced she understood that it was better to get everything out in the open now. So she ensured that she was honest and open with him and tried to ask the most important questions so that she could easily understand him.

Zahraa felt comfortable with the family and was even slightly attracted to Haarith. For a change, she actually believed that more could come out of this meeting. After a while the family left and Zahraa and her parents sat in the lounge.
“So well, I know its too early to tell,” said Yusuf to his daughter. “But what do you think; do you think you like him?”
“Well”, Zahraa casually replied. “He’s not that bad, they all seem pretty nice to me. I don’t know though, you know how it goes. I’ll sit and make dua, read my Istikhaara, and ask Allah for help. Right now, im pretty sure that I’m willing to at least take it a step further and give it a try, but I guess we’ll just have to wait and see right?”

Yusuf and Farida smiled. “All went well” Farida said. “They do seem like really nice people Zahraa and I think you two might make a good match. But you’re absolutely right. Think about it carefully and then let us know.
“I will” Zahraa said before departing to her bedroom.

Before falling asleep that night Zahraa’s mind wandered to Zaheer and she wandered whether she was not making a big mistake by moving on. Then her reason set in and firmly and said to her that she could not wait around pining forever. And when her emotions said that she might still harbour feelings for him, her reason informed her that moving on was the only sure way to get rid of those old feelings. When her emotions retaliated by claiming that it wanted to hold onto those feelings for as long as possible, her reason reminded her that it would be better for her to move on and find someone else, before he did. Finally, fed up of the irritating thoughts going on, Zahraa grabbed her ipod filled with all her favourite Qur'aan recitations, stuffed a pillow over her head and let her favourite Qaris help her fall off to sleep.

Chapter 5: A Guy Thing

It was a Sunday afternoon and Zaheer was chilling out with the guys. On Wednesday his old school friends had arranged to meet on Sunday. It was, according to them, a while since they had last gotten together and they needed to keep in touch and catch up. Thus, with that in mind, they had all arranged to meet at the nearby park for a braai.

Sameer, previously known as the class’s biggest playboy, was seriously looking to get married and the guys couldn’t help but tease him.
“Haai man!” teased Faheem, the old class clown; “I still can’t believe that you’re actually willingly want to get married. What did you get tired of all the hustling or what?”
Sameer just laughed: “I am tired man! I need to get me a good girl who I can settle down with. I’m getting old man!”
To that, they all laughed hysterically.
“I think he’s lying” said another friend, Ishaaq. “Maybe his mother is just on his case and is forcing him to get married. Now he’s just embarrassed so he’s acting like it’s his idea. Come on Sameer man, be brave. We all have to deal with that all the time!
The guys all laughed mercilessly at Sameer.
“Anyway,” asked Aarif: “what you going around asking everybody for all the chick’s numbers. You dated like half of the neighbourhood, you got all their numbers. Just marry one of them.”

“I cant marry chicks like that!” Sameer replied. “You know what kind of things they get up to? You really think I want wild chicks like that to be the mother of my kids. Naa man, I need to find me a good girl!”

“Wait a minute” Zaheer cut in: “So what you’re saying is that even though you the one who corrupted all the neighbourhood girls, you don’t wanna marry them because they’re... corrupted...?”

Sameer thought about it for a moment and then nonchalantly replied: “Ja, that’s right! chicks like that are fine for jolling, for fooling around with, but when you want to settle down you need to get the real goods.”

Suddenly Zaheer was transported back into time to the night when he chatted about this very thing to Zahraa. He remembered how angry she had gotten and how he had laughed at her. Even afterwards, he thought that she was simply overreacting. Now, however, as he sat here and saw the reality of it with his own two eyes, he finally understood why the situation had angered her so. The worst thing, he thought to himself, is that guys like Sameer do actually end up getting married to those innocent girls who know nothing of their past. Not only is the whole situation unfair to the new bride, but also to the ‘corrupted girls’ whose reputation would forever be tarnished.

Sameer continued to go on about his search for a bride and kept on asking the guys to give them the numbers for their sisters. Everybody laughed at him as if he was simply crazy.
After a while the meat was ready and everybody sat down to eat. Everybody was relieved when Sameer changed the subject and began talking about the latest sport news.

A short while after the guys had eaten they all decided to play a game of soccer for, as they called it, old time’s sake. They quickly made up two teams and started up the match. After years of studying, employment, marriage, worries, troubles and grief; all the ‘old guys’- playing like this, really brought back the glory days of high school. Zaheer felt as if he was transported back in time to a land of no worries and responsibilities; a land of ditching school and playing pranks. Up until now, he never realized how easy they had had it in high school. All the guys must have felt the same way because they played their hearts out and laughed joyfully every step of the way. Unfortunately for Zaheer, Sameer had to come along and ruin it.

“Hey guys, I was thinking!” he said in the midst of their match; “Remember that hot chick, what was her name again, Zahraa I think. Don’t you guys have her number or something? Now there’s a woman I wouldn’t mind marrying.”
Aarif turned around to look at Zaheer, clearly interested in his reaction.
Everybody ignored him, clearly tired of his constant desperate questioning, but he continued to go on.
“No really, come on guys, who will help me out here?” That Zahraa chick will be good for me. She’ll fix me up properly. She’s what I need.”

“And what on earth,” Zaheer blurted out, unable to restrain himself: “makes you think that she would want to marry you?”
“Well look at me man, who wouldn’t want to marry me?” Sameer said proudly." I’m good looking, rich and all the mothers love me.”
“That’s because they don’t know you” snickered someone in the background.

“Hey man,” said Anees “I heard that Zahraa’s gotten holy. Probably wouldn’t want to marry the likes of you.”
“Ja” agreed Ishaaq. “I bumped into her the other day. “She wears hijaab. She’s changed.”
Sameer persisted: “Its fine, all that really matters is that she’s hot underneath it all. You know what I mean, right? Come on guys, who’s got her number?”

Zaheer couldn’t stand it any longer. He had the soccer ball in his possession and, without fully thinking, he kicked the ball so hard at Sameer that it landed hard and fast on his face. Sameer fell to the ground instantly. Everybody rushed to see if he was alright but he proudly insisted that it was just a minor bruise. His face, however, had a different story. His eyes were red and puffy and his face was already swelling. He looked as if he had just been punched in the face.

To say that anybody felt pity for him would be a lie. On the contrary they all silently praised Zaheer, glad that Sameer could finally shut it (since he left the match and went to sit near the braai stands) and they could finally get on with their game.

Zaheer, though he pretended to care, couldn’t bring himself to apologise. It was only after Sameer left that his anger began subsiding. Once again he thought about Zahraa and lamented over all that was, and all that never would be.

Chapter 4: Tears and Fears

Zahraa was sprawled across Miriam’s bedroom floor, utterly exhausted. She had spent the day working and running errands and had come over, before the afternoon ended, to visit Miriam. Miriam, who worked as a journalist for an online newspaper, had taken the week off and had been begging her friends to come and spend time with her. Today Zahraa and Hafsah had finally obeyed.

“I’m telling you guys” Miriam complained. “I have absolutely nothing to wear to this stupid thing.” Miriam was searching through her cupboard for something appropriate to wear for her brother’s wedding.
“Ugh!” she screamed in frustration “I give up. I’m just not going!”
“Oh thats great!” replied Zahraa sarcastically. “You can just skip your brother’s wedding. And if they ask you why you didn’t come then you can just tell them ‘well, because I had nothing to wear!’ We’ll see how well Ahmed deals with that.”

In a little less than a month, Miriam’s brother Ahmed would be getting married. Both the bride and groom had insisted on a small and low key function.
The problem with Miriam was that she was trying her very best to find an outfit that she could wear, in order to save her from shopping, which she absolutely dreaded.

Miriam grabbed one of her dresses and flung it at Zahraa and Hafsah. “Why don’t you two get off your lazy backsides and come help me find something nice to wear. You know I’m terrible at this!”

“Oh come on Miriam.” Zahraa said. “There must be something nice you can wear in there.” With that Zahraa jumped up from the floor and made her way to Miriam’s cupboard.
“Okay” she said to her. “What do you have in mind?”
Miriam replied gratefully: “Well, anything simple will be good.” I mean its going to be a simple thing right, with just close family and friends. It’s not even in a hall! My clothes kind of need to match the setting, right?

“Okay” Zahraa said. She ruffled through the clothes for a while until her eyes fell across a beautiful dress nestled between a big fluffy jacket, and another fancier skirt. “Well looky here” she said. “This looks good, where did this come from Miriam?”
Miriam had to search her mind before she could place it. “Oh ja! I forgot about that! I think it was a gift from my aunty! That’s perfect. It’s not too fancy but not too plain.”
"And" Zahraa continued, "You can match it up with this bag and these shoes."
"I agree" said Hafsah. "That outfit will be perfect Miriam."

“So what are you guys wearing?” Miriam asked the two of them. “Oh, I’m sure I’ve got something nice at home” Zahraa replied. And I actually love shopping you know? Anyway, I don’t have to stress. It’s your family thing right, now that you finally know what you’re wearing, I’m glad too. I don’t even know why you’re invited Hafsah and I anyway. We’re not even close to Ahmed.”

“Well you close to me” Miriam snapped. “And I had to have someone there that I actually like!”
To that Hafsah and Zahraa both giggled.

Miriam was toying with something in her mind and so she was quiet for while. After a few minutes she said to Zahraa: “Hey Zahraa, I need to tell you something and I don’t know how you going to react.”
“Well then” Zahraa said jokingly, “Tell me and then we’ll see my reaction.”
“Okay fine” Miriam said. “Well, you know that Ahmed is friends with Zaheer right. And well, since its Ahmed’s wedding, you know that Zaheer will be there right?”

Zahraa remained silent.
“Well, I mean , I don’t know if he will be there,” Miriam continued. “But he is invited, and he’ll probably come. I just thought I’d warn you beforehand”

Zahraa didn’t say anything for a while. Eventually she said:
“Well, what I must do about that right? He’s free to do whatever he wants. I’ll just steer clear and make sure I don’t have to see him. Besides, it won’t be a problem since he clearly wants nothing to do with me.”
“Really Zahraa” Hafsah said to her: “I’ve told you before that I don’t think it’s even like that. Its not like he dumped you, he clearly liked you. It’s not like he said he wants nothing to do with you. Actually, that’s what you said to him.”
“No, its not!” argued Zahraa. “I told him my reasons for staying away from him and I gave him an option. He didn’t care enough about me to take the option and he let me go. After all his promises and all his words he ended up being just as full of it as everybody else. Clearly he didn’t mean all that he said.”
“Zahraa” Miriam said to her: “You gave him only one option and that option was marriage. Which person would jump at that?”
“A person who cared enough about the next person” replied Zahraa angrily.
“Believe me” Miriam replied: “Zaheer cared about you!”

Now Zahraa was struggling to hold back her tears as she continued to argue. “How can you say that he cared about me?” she asked Miriam and Hafsah. “You guys were there when I was crying. You were there when I was waiting for him to call or sms, to send some sort of message to show that he cared. I got nothing. After that night, after I told him my feelings, he just simply ignored me. Who does that? The truth is that I gave him an easy way out. I provided the perfect solution for him to end it all. And that’s fine, really, I get now that it wasn’t meant to be and that he’s not the one I’m meant to marry.”

Zahraa stopped talking, trying to catch her breath. Miriam looked at her apologetically, regretting that she had to bring up this obviously painful subject.

“Anyway.” Zahraa said, trying her best to bounce back from her sudden outburst. “That’s all in the past anyway! Zaheer and I are done and when I see him at Ahmed’s wedding, well, I plan on ignoring him. I won’t waste my time crying over some guy.

Afraid that she might actually end up crying, Zahraa quickly changed the subject.