CHAPTER 9: PROGRESS
To Zaheer’s great relief the gossip concerning him and Hafsah had eventually died down. Zaheer found that, despite his lack of romantic feelings towards her, Hafsah was amiable enough to provide good companionship and it was for this reason that he didn’t bother to end things. Hafsah, on the other hand, was constantly annoyed by Zaheer’s ongoing soccer matches and his, as she put it, lack of interest in improving their relationship. The fact was that even though Zaheer was dating Hafsah even though he had barely spoken to Zahraa since their argument, and even though he knew that there was no chance that he would ever be with her; Zaheer’s feelings for Zahraa had never really changed. Yes he enjoyed hanging out with Hafsah but, since his heart was already occupied by someone else, there was really no space for her.
It was in the beautiful gardens of Hillside High, on one Monday afternoon that Zaheer first noticed Hafsah’s sullenness. On entering Hillside High one would immediately be greeted by a host of beautiful flowers. The long driveway was bordered, on both sides, by a lovely green garden. Beyond the driveway lay the teachers’ parking area and then the main entrance to the office. While most students frequented the fields; the couples, who wanted peace and privacy usually remained here in the garden.
“What’s wrong?” Zaheer asked. “Are you feeling sick?” “No, I’m tired” replied Hafsah glumly. “Oh well, you’re lucky its almost home time;” said Zaheer misinterpreting her complaint. “No, Im tired of all of this” said Hafsah swishing her hand in the air. This is all we ever do. We sit here, we talk, I watch you play soccer; it’s the same old thing all the time.” “Well we are confined within the walls of the school;” said Zaheer confusedly. “It’s not like I can take you to a movie or something, and sometimes we meet at the shops and stuff during the weekend, so what else do you want? “I want our relationship to progress;” complained Hafsah. “I mean, is there something wrong with me? Am I not pretty enough for you?” “Well, of course you pretty Hafsah, you know you are;” said Zaheer. “Why are you moody all of a sudden? Is it that time of the month again?” Hafsah, clearly not happy by Zaheer’s indifferent attitude said: “I’m being serious Zaheer. It’s been more than a month already and we’re still stuck where we were in the beginning. I’m getting tired of this.” Zaheer, being the guy that he was, was baffled by Hafsah’s behaviour and could not understand what she was getting at. “Well what more do you want from me?” he asked. Hafsah, clearly not happy with him, suddenly stood up and gathered her belongings. “You really are thick you know that?” she said as she stormed off.
It was only afterwards, on his way home from school that Zaheer suddenly figured out what Hafsah had meant. This realisation had come via Aarif who had explained it to him. “Man, don’t you know that Hafsah’s got a reputation with the boys?” “Ja, I know;” said Zaheer. “She told me that she’s had a lot of boyfriends.” “No that’s not what I mean;” said Aarif. “I mean that she’s got a reputation for being wild. You haven’t done anything with her, have you?” “No” replied Zaheer. “We just hang out together; maybe hold hands sometimes, but that’s it.” “Well then that’s your problem right there. She said that she wants the relationship to progress right?” asked Aarif “Ja, and something else about being stuck.” replied Zaheer. “You see”, replied Aarif “what she means is that she wants you to speed up the relationship, she wants some action man.” This was enough to occupy Zaheer’s mind for the rest of the day.
Zaheer was no stranger to dating. He had been afforded the opportunity to call himself ‘boyfriend’ to a number of other girls; but no girl had ever challenged him in the way that he was now being challenged by Hafsah. His idea of dating was incorporated into his Islamic lifestyle and in the values that his parents had raised him with. For him dating meant that he could spend additional time with a girl, that he could call her his girlfriend, that they could occasionally meet to do fun activities beyond the hours of school, and that they could provide each other with mutual and exclusive companionship when they needed it. Though his parents were relatively lenient, he had been brought up to understand that activities such as kissing, making out, and sex were undoubtedly haraam. So while he was no stranger to dating- in his own sense of the word; to the standard world of dating, kissing, foreplay and sex, he was very much an amateur. Up until this point every girl he had encountered had shared his view of dating and had had no problem with his dating methodology. Hafsah was obviously different. Now Zaheer found himself in a predicament that he did not know how to handle. How could he explain to Hafsah that he didn’t want their relationship to progress in that way without sounding like an inexperienced child? How could he be honest without feeling embarrassed? How could he explain to her that his idea of dating was so very different from hers? How could he express his feelings without people thinking that he was too religious? Zaheer kept wondering what exactly he had gotten himself into. He was lost and confused, frantically seeking answers to the questions in his mind.
CHAPTER 10: HAFSAH
Hafsah Ismail, only daughter of Jameel and Nafeesa Ismail had long ago grown accustomed to the limelight. Born on a cold winter’s night in a small town in Nelspruit, Hafsah was instantly adored.
Jameel had met Nafeesa, the eldest daughter of rich and powerful Faisel Khan, on a routine business trip to Nelspruit. 27 year old Jameel had been working for his father in one of his spice shops in Johannesburg when his father had sent him to review business plans for the new deal between his father and Faisel Khan. Romance was in the air when Jameel Ismail first laid eyes on 23 year old Nafeesa Khan. Nafeesa, known throughout the town for her exquisite beauty and refined manners, had received many proposals from potential suitors but had never been interested in marriage; that is until Jameel came along. Jameel himself was very handsome and, due to his father’s string of spice shops, was very rich too. Faisel Khan and his wife Salma were overjoyed when Jameel asked for Nafeesa’s hand in marriage and the wedding arrangements soon began; a wedding that turned out to be the not-to-be-missed event of the year that spanned over a course of 5 days. Jameel’s father Zunaid, who himself resided in Johannesburg, was glad that his eldest son, who was popular with the ladies, had finally decided to settle down. Satisfied by Jameel’s bride and his new in-laws, he proceeded to open a new spice shop in Nelspruit that Jameel would run and own; a present for the delighted newlyweds.
The wedding had been perfect; the marriage, however, was far from it. What started out as a whirlwind romance quickly turned into wedded woes as the couple soon started realizing the reality of marriage. Jameel, who travelled often to Johannesburg for business purposes, soon began to irritate himself with the reality that his wife was, as he put it, ‘a rich spoilt brat’. Nafeesa, on the other hand, began to grow weary of Jameel’s high demands and increased expectations of her. On introspection one could probably find one hundred and one things wrong with their marriage: they could not communicate effectively; they both shared unrealistic expectations of each other and the marriage; instead of appreciating each others differences, they resented it; and they both happened to share a dangerous quality- pride. Before long the beautiful couple began to grow apart.
Five years into their marriage Nafeesa and Jameel welcomed the news that they were expecting a baby girl. Jameel, who had always dreamt of a big family, was delighted. Nafeesa, who had been harbouring a fear that she would never be able to conceive, welcomed the news of the baby as an opportunity to mend her marriage and unite the estranged couple. On a night in July under the care of a midwife, Hafsah Ismail entered the world into the rejoicing arms of her beaming parents.
Hafsah, as her mother proudly boasted, was a peaceful baby. With her cheerful countenance, chubby cheeks, and delightful smile, everybody took an instant liking to her. For a time being, as her mother had hoped, Hafsah provided the family with the comfort, unity and joy that had previously been lacking. Their marital problems, however, quickly began to resurface and the couple found themselves engaged in increasing fights and unpleasant arguments.
It was a bright summer’s day when Nafeesa’s world forever changed. She would remember how she rejoiced at the sunlight after days of rain; she would remember how she happily played with six year old Hafsah while Jameel was at work; she would also, unfortunately, remember the visitor who had decided to stop by. The woman stood in their long entrance hallway; she called herself Ameera; she complimented the beautiful flower arrangements; she said kind words to little Hafsah and then, once she had taken a seat in the large sitting room, she told Nafeesa what Nafeesa had silently been dreading; that for the past seven years she and Jameel had been having an affair. She provided details of secret liasons, she told Nafeesa about discussions they had shared: how much he loved his daughter, how he had grown apart from his wife, and how he planned to divorce her, keep the child and spend the rest of his life with her, Ameera. In less than an hour Nafeesa’s world had come tumbling down.
The reason for Ameera’s visit was simple: revenge. After years of promising her that he would leave his wife, after years of planning; Ameera had finally realised that Jameel’s promises were, in fact, lies. She had given him an ultimatum: he would have to choose between his wife and his mistress. Jameel chose his wife. Ameera, outraged at Jameel, had promised that she would have her revenge and that she would destroy his life. She had promised that if she could not be happy with him, she would not leave him to be happy with his family. Ameera sat here now because unlike Jameel, she always kept her promises. That night, when Nafeesa heard the sound of Jameel’s car, she instructed Hafsah to go to her bedroom and to stay there for the rest of the night. Hafsah heard the screaming and shouting, she heard the crying, she heard the breaking of dishes and the slamming of doors; but being the obedient child that she was, she never left her room.
The news of the affair quickly began doing its rounds and very soon everybody knew of Jameel’s indiscretion. While neighbourhood people encouraged Nafeesa to leave her husband and while her parents begged her to return home, Nafeesa was determined to remain in her marriage.
Little Hafsah quickly grew accustomed to the change around the house. She became the go between for her parents who communicated with each other through her. She grew accustomed to her mothers constant silent sobbing and her father’s sullen quietness. She learned to accept the absence of laughter, her mother’s constant complaints of her father and the loneliness that she faced every day. “A man can ruin you” her mother would tell her, “Nothing else can ruin you like a man can ruin you. You remember my words- don’t ever get stuck like I did.”
For seven years life continued like this. Thirteen year old Hafsah, who had never known another home, automatically assumed that all families were like hers- not even being able to comprehend the joy and happiness that her family lacked. For seven years she saw how her parents grew further and further apart, until her father would go away on business trips for weeks, and even months apart. Then, one Sunday afternoon, Nafeesa suffered a heart attack and passed away before the ambulance could arrive- leaving behind a guilt-stricken Jameel and a heartbroken Hafsah.
The neighbourhood people suddenly became very hostile. Blaming Jameel for putting Nafeesa through grief and for weakening her heart, they no longer wanted anything to do with him. Him, by extension, meant Hafsah. Nafeesa’s parents, angry at Jameel, regretted ever allowing their daughter to marry him. They insisted they wanted nothing to do with him or Hafsah who, to them, was a constant reminder of mistakes of the past. Jameel, embarrassed to return to his parents in Johannesburg, resolved to remain with his daughter in the community despite their increased ostracism. With no companionship, a failing business, guilt, and overwhelming regret; Jameel Ismail slowly wasted away.
It was two years later when fifteen year old Hafsah Ismail realised that she had grown into a beautiful woman. She also realised that, in her beauty, laid a great power. After spending years in solitude and loneliness and countless hours feeling inadequate and invisible; Hafsah relished the attention that her looks generated, and this attention became an addiction. Hafsah began devoting more of her time to the boys that were smitten by her. She began spending longer hours out of the house and more time in front of the mirror. Unnoticed by her father, Hafsah also started coming home a little later every night. It was in these trysts- these secret relationships, that Hafsah began feeling an inkling of self-worth and she soon began to equate the quality of herself with the quality of her looks.
It didn’t take long for Hafsah to gain a bad reputation though she, who had long since given up on the community, didn’t seem to care. Unable to give of herself emotionally, Hafsah gave of herself physically and believed that without all this, she would once again disappear into obscurity.
Despite the occasional rumours that Jameel had been hearing concerning his daughter, he continued to remain absorbed in his own world of guilt and sorrow and chose to ignore the ongoing destruction of his young and vulnerable daughter. One day, however, Jameel had returned home from work early when he found Hafsah alone in her bedroom with a boy. She insisted that nothing had happened yet but Jameel, now fully realising the potential consequences of his daughter’s ways, understood that something needed to be done. One week later, despite Hafsah’s wishes; despite her tears and pleas; despite her promises and guarantees, Jameel packed up all her belongings and sent her to live with his parents in Johannesburg. What he failed to realise is that Hafsah’s problems was a direct result of his mistakes. In sending her away he wasn’t really solving her problems and resolving her issues; instead he was just shifting the responsibility to somebody else.
CHAPTER 11: THE BREAK UP
Zaheer, after much deliberation, had decided that he would just be honest. He was going to sit down with Hafsah and share his thoughts and opinions. He knew that she would think that his ideas were old fashioned but he was willing to take that risk. If Hafsah wasn’t willing to respect his wishes, well then she would just have to deal with that. He was certain that he was not going to make someone change who he was simply because he feared embarrassment. Zaheer did, however, keep pondering over what Zahraa would think of him. While he didn’t really care of anyone else’s opinions, Zaheer feared that Zahraa would think less of him and that, in her eyes, he would be less of a man. Despite this, however, he decided to be forthright with Hafsah.
Unbeknownst to Zaheer, however, Hafsah had come to a decision of her own. It was the morning after their argument that Hafsah, tired of Zaheer’s inadequacy as a boyfriend (as she put it) dumped him. Zaheer had arrived at school earlier than usual in order to talk to Hafsah. Once he got there he pulled her aside and told her, as open and honestly as he could, what he thought. He told her that he wouldn’t do anything with her because he felt that it was haraam. “I know that I’m not the best Muslim”; Zaheer explained. “I know that I’m far from perfect and I’m not saying that you’re a bad Muslim or anything, but there are some lines that I just can’t cross and this is one of those lines. What do you think?” Hafsah remained silent for a while and then, without another word, she dumped him. “I won’t go out with anyone as ungrateful as you, if you can’t appreciate my beauty then someone else will.” Zaheer tried to explain that Hafsah’s looks was not the problem, he tried to explain his reasons for pulling back; but the more he said, the more Hafsah mistook it as a personal rejection. All she could see was that someone was turning her down and, since nobody likes rejection, she became cruel and bitter.
Trying to salvage her wounded ego and burnt pride, Hafsah spent the rest of the day making a big show of how she had dumped Zaheer. “Well, what did I think dating someone younger in the first place right? I guess he just couldn’t keep up.” “Well I was just getting tired of him, you know. He was pretty useless. What a waste of time.”Yes, once again Zaheer’s name was being whispered around the school; this time, however, it was due to different circumstances.
Aarif had filled him in as soon as he had gotten the chance. “You know what’s going on?” Aarif asked. “Apparently she’s telling anyone who is willing to listen that she dumped you because you’re like too slow or shy or something like that. She’s going on about how you wasted her time and how all you wanted to do was sit around and talk about your feelings like a little girl. I’m sorry man, its pretty harsh.” Zaheer couldn’t really be bothered by the emerging rumours. So what if Hafsah was badmouthing him? So what if she was trying to embarrass him? He couldn’t even fathom why he had been dating her in the first place; he never really liked her that much anyway. What he really felt was a wave of relief; relief that Hafsah was no longer bothering him; relief that he could once again do his own thing without having to report his whereabouts; relief that she would no longer demand his attention and bore him with gossip of other people.
Zaheer’s relief, however, quickly died when he noticed Zahraa standing with Hafsah. They were in a group of about five girls and Hafsah was once again spreading around her version of the breakup and how she could no longer stand Zaheer’s immaturity. If Zaheer did care about anyone’s opinion it would have to be Zahraa’s. Now there she stood with the one girl who hated him, listening to who knows what lies she said. He felt his heart suddenly racing. What would Zahraa think of him now? There was no way of fixing this. Zahraa’s opinion of him would forever be altered. With all that he had already done, with all that had happened between Zahraa; and now with all this latest information that Hafsah would be sharing, Zaheer was positive that even if Zahraa had been remotely interested in him before, she was, by now, bound to have changed her mind. Glumly but resolutely, Zaheer accepted his fate and decided that what he really needed was a break from all his recent girl troubles.
CHAPTER 12: THE TOUR
It was the last week of the school holidays and Zaheer felt refreshed and renewed. He had stuck to his word and had decided to abandon his troubles. He had ignored all the rumours and hadn’t bothered approaching either Hafsah or Zahraa again. And then, when he really needed it most, school holidays had arrived to free him from his worries and fill him with hope of renewal. Just being away from the atmosphere of school and just being free from his past worries filled Zaheer with a hope that he could put it all behind him and start anew. Hafsah was a thing of the past, for that he was glad; as for Zahraa, well he hoped that, since he didn’t really know her all that well in the first place, the time away would allow him to get over her.
It was the first day back at school when Zaheer realised that he had not managed to successfully get over Zahraa. As he arrived in the morning he saw her standing at her usual spot, talking to her friends. He was instantly filled with the sensation of butterflies, excitement gripped him, and his mind went blank. This time, however, he was determined not to make a fool of himself. While he had hoped that the feelings would have gone he knew that even if they hadn’t, he wouldn't do anything about it. He had given up on Zahraa, of this he was sure.
Now, instead of worrying about girls and trying to please and impress them, Zaheer spent his days hanging with the guys, playing on the fields and focussing on his ever-increasing workload. He barely spoke to Zahraa- only nodding and greeting occasionally, and completely ignored Hafsah. On the bus, he stayed far away from Zahraa and her friends and sat with the guys instead.
Every Monday morning all the pupils would gather in the quad for assembly. The principal would address whichever topics he deemed crucial and then they would all leave for their first period. It was here on the quad immediately after assembly, as all the students made their way to class, that Zahraa approached Zaheer. “You have to come with me”, she said to a bewildered Zaheer. “Come with you where? I have English to go to” he said. “Zahraa grinned and said: “No, you’ve been cleared of the first like hour or so of school today, I have to take you on a tour.” “A tour of what?” asked Zaheer. “A tour of the school, of course,” replied Zahraa. “Ok, let me explain. Each year, on the first day of school, the grade eights are taken on a tour of the school- you know, to let them feel welcome and all of that. I’m usually one of the people who conducts the tours and so I pulled a few strings, spoke to the people in charge, and explained to them that there’s a student-you, who never went for the tour. Now let me tell you, this school is extremely meticulous and all I had to do was explain the importance of the school tour for pride and honour and all of that. They agreed on its importance and so we arranged this tour. So here I am, to take you on your tour.”
Zaheer looked at Zahraa and then asked: “Why, who cares about a dumb tour? It’s already the second term” Zahraa, however, was not discouraged: “I care about it Zaheer, the school cares about it too. Ok, so you don’t get it, fine. But would you rather be taking a tour of this beautiful school, or sitting in a boring double English?” Zahraa definitely had a point. “So then let’s begin” said Zaheer smiling.
Zahraa started with the quad. As they walked she relayed a brief history of it and even told him stories of popular incidents that had occurred there in the past. “A couple of years ago;” Zahraa said two boys got into this huge fight; one stole the other one’s girlfriend or something like that. Anyway, the fight culminated here in the quad when the first guy punched the other one out cold. Seriously, they had to call the ambulance.” At first Zaheer remained silent. He didn’t know what to say, he kept wondering why Zahraa was being so friendly and nice; but he soon calmed down and began to enjoy himself. Zahraa was so easy to be around and there was something about her that just eased him and made him feel comfortable. Before long he was laughing and talking with her, as if absolutely nothing had passed before them.
After the quad Zahraa led him around the school, past the tuck-shop, administration offices and classrooms. All along the way she told him stories and events that the school had witnessed. After the classrooms they found themselves on the field. “And now;” Zahraa said “To my favourite place”. “This is your favourite place?” asked Zaheer signalling towards the field. “You’ll see.” replied Zahraa. Zahraa and Zaheer walked past the field and past Zahraa’s usual hangout at the end. Towards the left were stairs that led to a platform, surrounded by a grand stand. Climbing the stairs Zaheer asked: “What is this place?” “This”, replied Zahraa “Is my favourite place in the whole school. Apparently, it was used for performances and sports in the past, but nobody uses it anymore.” Once Zaheer got to the top it was easy to understand why Zahraa liked it so much. The view of the school, as well as the city, was spectacular. He felt an instant sense of calm and peace.
Zahraa continued: “School legend has it that it was on this very site that the school was first envisioned. The founder of the school, Benjamin Pearson, inherited a large sum of money from his father. He had always wanted to open a school so he began browsing sites, looking for the most perfect spot. When he stood on this spot and looked down upon the land, his decision was made. And the rest, as they say, is history.” Zaheer was overwhelmed; maybe it was this place, maybe it was all this time that he was spending with Zahraa or maybe it was because she was being so nice; but all the feelings- the feelings he had tried so hard to ignore and push away, suddenly all came bursting forth.
“Why are you doing this?” He asked suddenly. “Why are you being so nice?”
“I’m not being nice” replied Zahraa flatly “I’m just being me.” “Anyway;” Zahraa continued, ignoring Zaheer’s questioning looks. “This place has been banned coz a bunch of students all decided to use it as a make out spot. In fact, it was actually called ‘lover’s hill’ for a while, until the principal found out about it.” Zaheer could definitely understand the appeal. The place was so beautiful, so peaceful and so private.
“Don’t worry though, that’s not why I brought you here but, if you really want...” said Zahraa, with a mischievous smile on her face, “... I can always go call Hafsah.” She must have noticed Zaheer’s scowl because she laughed and quickly said: “relax, I’m just teasing you.” “I don’t understand” said Zaheer. “You guys are so different, why is she your friend anyway?” “Well, Hafsah is a complex person” replied Zahraa. “Once you get to know her, she’s not that bad. Besides there are so many different cultures, nationalities and religions here that people just tend to stick with their own kind.”
“We better get going,” said Zahraa as she began leaving: “This is the end of the tour in any case.” As they walked back to the classrooms Zahraa continued to tell him stories: stories of how a student was caught cheating and sentenced to cleaning the fields and the toilets everyday for a month; of a teacher who got fired because she was too friendly with the students; and of a boy who bumped into the school fence while trying to drive his brother’s car. She told the stories and spoke of the school with such wild enthusiasm and passion that Zaheer was left enthralled. Before they knew it they had reached the classrooms and Zaheer and Zahraa had to part once more. Zaheer couldn’t help saying: “You know you don’t have to feel sorry for me, right?” “Why would I feel sorry for you?” asked Zahraa
“Because of everything that happened with Hafsah” he replied.
“No, I don’t feel sorry for you” said Zahraa, “after all nobody forced you to go out with her. You brought that all upon yourself. As for question earlier on why I’m being nice, well let’s just say that before I was scared, and now I’m not.”
“What do you mean?” asked Zaheer. Zahraa smiled and said: “There’s no time now, but remind me to tell you the story of my sister sometime ok?” “Your sister?” asked Zaheer. “Not now, sometime Insha-Allah. Maybe then you’ll understand my actions. With that Zahraa began walking, leaving Zaheer to return to his classes. “Thanks for the tour” he screamed. Zahraa turned around, smiled and replied: “My pleasure.”
CHAPTER 13: THE SISTER
The falling leaves of autumn were slowly dying down as the month of May approached. Autumn, by far Zaheer’s favourite season, seemed to be slowly whispering at the prospect of renewed hope and vigour. While Zaheer had already given up on Zahraa, he was now excited by the development that they had made. This was not to say that Zahraa and Zaheer spent any time together, in fact these days they hardly even got to see much of each other due to the busyness of their academic schedules. While Zaheer was thrilled that Zahraa and him were now on speaking terms, and getting along well too, he was also disappointed that he never found any time to spend with her. Lately he couldn’t even expect to catch up with her on the school bus since all the matriculants remained at school each day for extra tuition.
It was thus with great enthusiasm and relief that Zaheer noticed, one Monday afternoon, that Zahraa was boarding the bus. Zaheer was sitting at his usual spot with all his friends but quickly joined Zahraa as she manoeuvred herself past the crowds of people. “Nice to see you here for a change.” said Zaheer, clearly pleased. “I know right?” replied Zahraa “Gosh, the prospect of going home early for once actually excites me. I wasn’t busy doing much today anyway so I managed to make a break. Anything to be out of the classroom you know!” “Well, I don’t care why you here”, said Zaheer, I’m just happy that you are.” Zahraa instantly turned a shade of red but Zaheer, who hadn’t noticed continued: You know I was thinking, you never did tell me that story of your sister. “Oh yeah! I forgot about that.” replied Zahraa, “I can tell you now if you have the time.” And for the entire bus ride home, Zahraa told the story.
“My sister Saaliha had this on again off again relationship with a boy that she really loved. They were really serious about each other and we were all convinced that they were going to get married. At the time however she was just beginning University and so they couldn’t exactly get married. The guy, His name was Farhaad, would spend long hours by our house, chatting with my parents and everything. This all happened about three years ago, so I was about fourteen years old. I can still remember all the conversations my sister had with me. I was still young and so I hopelessly dreamed of finding my own Farhaad, my own soul mate.
It started off with holding hands. Where as before they had boundaries, now I started noticing how much more affectionate they were with each other, how they whispered secret words and smiled secret smiles. I noticed how their fingers found each other and how their hands became entwined. One day, after hanging out with him, my sister came home with a giddy look of joy on her face. She told me all about their first kiss and how wonderful it was.
My parents, of course, were oblivious to the progression of their relationship. They had grown us up well and taught us right from wrong. We both knew all too well what Islam forbade. I guess they assumed that Saaliha knew better, and that somehow she’d be able to control herself. "
Zahraa paused for a moment, made sure that Zaheer was still paying attention (which, of course, he was) and then continued.
“My parents tried to be realistic. They thought that since she couldn’t marry him now, they could simply just hang out, since they knew too well how much they liked each other. But my parents didn’t consider how difficult it really is for two young people, who are attracted to each other, to refrain from doing haraam things. It’s easy to say that my sister was weak, but if you put anyone in that same situation, they might behave in the exact same manner.
Anyway, back to the story. So that was the night of the kiss, and I can only assume far more came after that. Secret meetings (of which, I have to admit, I helped cover up), long awaited kisses, and prolonged conversations; this was really getting pretty bad. Alahmdulillah, and it was definitely by the grace of Allah, it never went as bad and far as actual sex - Something that my sister would learn to appreciate later.
Then all of a sudden, it just ended. Apparently they both realised that they didn’t really want to marry each other. It’s like they just got tired of each other. All of the love and excitement just disappeared. She would come home complaining about him, frustrated at something he did, or bothered by the way he treated her. When it all ended she simply said that he wasn’t who she fell in love with- that he had changed. There were no tears or heartbreak, no dumping or sorrow. It just ended, just like that. I think that I, being the hopeful optimist I was, was sadder than any of them. I kept telling her “but he’s perfect for you” and other stupid things like that. In my world they were my own personal fairy tale, and I really didn’t want it to end. My pleading didn’t help though. They broke up, never to be reunited, and a couple of years later they were both happily married to different people.
Anyway, soon after they broke up my sister started feeling guilty. See, like I said we all know what we need to do as Muslims right- sometimes we’re just too weak. With Farhaad, Saaliha was just too weak. But now that it was over, she could suddenly see the error of her ways. Sometimes I would find her crying, saying that she feared that Allah will never forgive her. And even though I tried to console her, I don’t really think she ever listened.
One day I was reading Qur'aan- the English translation, when I came across a specific beautiful aayat. I still remember, its in Surah Aal-Imraan (3), ayat 134-136. Allah (SWT) talks about those who do good- and how they are those who when they commit an immoral act, they seek forgiveness and resolve to never do it again. You must go read the full ayaat- its really beautiful. Anyway, I gave it to my sister to read and I think it helped her alot. Soon she went back to her normal self and when she met her husband, she made an effort to rather get married sooner, than to allow herself to do something wrong again.
For me, I couldn’t help thinking what a waste it all was. I mean, Saaliha and Farhaad had spent so much time together; had done haraam, under the pretence and consolation that they were going to get married- though that didn’t make it any less haraam; had wasted money and effort; and had compromised their closeness with their Creator- to end up all broken and guilty. It was really just such a waste. I kept thinking of how easily my sister had fallen into this trap, how easily she had given so much of herself, and I realised the full extent of the influence that boys and girls can have on each other. I think that it’s really hard to see the boundaries between right and wrong when you’re all caught up in someone else.
So I convinced myself that I would not be so stupid. I would not risk my Imaan for a boy, I would not put myself in such a position; and that I would never have a boyfriend. Oh, I know that most muslims have boyfriends- they hang out, call and sms each other and chat constantly. They think that its halaal dating or simply because they don’t sleep with each other. But for me, there’s no such thing. If you’re alone with your boyfriend, we all know that Shaitaan is the third person. And even if your boyfriend doesn’t expect dates or kisses, at some point another he will begin to expect something. Otherwise why date? Why not just be normal acquaintances like everybody else?”
Zaheer was finally beginning to see where Zahraa’s story was headed. He finally understood why she was sometimes so distant and reluctant. “So why not just tell me all this from the beginning” asked Zaheer. When you saw that I liked you, why not just explain all this to me?” Zahraa was quiet for a moment before she answered. Then she said softly: “Because I was a coward. I may be firm in my ideals, but I am still reluctant to broadcast it. I don’t want people to think that I’m some crazy holy girl or something. This is high school. I’m only sharing all this with you because of everything you went through with Hafsah. Because even though she said all those stuff about you, I think you didn’t do anything with her because, unlike so many other boys, you actually have your head screwed on right. And well, I’m also telling you all this so you can understand what I was going through. Everything I did wasn’t because I didn’t like you; instead it was because I did."
CHAPTER 14: NO EXPECTATIONS
After Zahraa’s explanation and confession, things between the two of them went from good to better. Zaheer didn’t ask her out, phone her or even bother to meet beyond the hours of school. He understood now that with terms like dating and boyfriends, various problems arose. The feelings he had for Zahraa could not be prevented, but he was learning that as a Muslim those feelings needed to be controlled and guarded. Zahraa, of course, had been right all along. Had he actually succeeded in dating her, he knew that they would have probably, at some point or another, found themselves in a difficult position. And even though, with Hafsah, he was able to level-headedly contain himself, he knew that his feelings for Zahraa would have eventually overpowered him. Beyond that, he didn’t want to imagine the various possibilities.
Even though he hardly spent any time with Zahraa, the knowledge that she shared his feelings, was satisfying enough. What more could he do at this point? He wasn’t exactly in a position where he could even consider the term ‘marriage’, and he certainly didn’t want to do anything haraam- so he knew that their distance and understanding was far better for both of them. They both simply expected nothing from each other- and that feeling brought them both ease.
t was on a Saturday afternoon in the middle of July that Zaheer actually really contemplated Zahraa’s departure. The school had arranged a Guidance Day in order to adequately prepare Matriculants for the upcoming examinations. Teachers used this day to help with study tips, career decisions and stress management. Guidance Day had proved to be very successful in previous years and was thus anticipated by both students and teachers and, though it had been arranged for the matriculants and their parents, the grade elevens were also invited. Though Zaheer and Zahraa both attended with their parents in tow; and while the day was mainly filled with advice sessions and last careers decisions, they still managed to find some time to speak to each other. They happily chatted about school and studies and what they hoped the future held for them.
Thus it was, at this point, that Zaheer first really considered the fact that Zahraa would be leaving the school in just a few short months. And while Zahraa went on and on about the possible fields of study she might choose, Zaheer suddenly felt an unbearable load weighing upon his mind.
He couldn’t help it when he starkly interrupted her by saying: “But you’ll be leaving!” “Well yeah Zaheer, that’s the point isn’t it” replied Zahraa sarcastically. “But I mean you’ll actually be going”, replied Zaheer “I didn’t really realize that you’ll be going and that I won’t be able to see you again.”
Zahraa remained quiet, not knowing what to say to him. The silence that followed seemed to last for an eternity, and then ended abruptly when Zahraa’s parents called her. Her parents who had, up until this point, been speaking to one of her teachers, made their way towards her.
“Zahraa honey, I think we’re done now” said her mother. “Are you still busy?” “No I’m done too, replied Zahraa, Zaheer and I were just talking.” “Oh so this is Zaheer”, said Zahraa’s father, suddenly paying attention. “I’ve heard about you.” Zaheer just smiled meekly and greeted courteously.
They exchanged a few words and then greeted again, preparing to leave. Zahraa’s parents left the two of them alone while they gathered their belongings and greeted their friends. But, at this point, Zaheer and Zahraa really didn’t have any words left to say. As a way of an apology Zahraa smiled gently and gave Zaheer the only words of reassurance she could muster: “It doesn’t have to be the end Zaheer. We might still see each other every now and again. And you can come to my University after you’re done. Then we’ll be together again.” With that she turned and left with her parents.
Zaheer felt like an idiot. All of this time had gone by and this obvious realization had only hit him now. Zahraa would be gone. He would have to spend an entire year at school without her. No more lunch time, no more anticipation and excitement. School without Zahraa would be like a long and lonely road without a companion. He really could not even imagine this place without her. And what about the future, he kept wondering. Zahraa refused to meet him out of school- so there wasn’t even a chance that they could hang out together. And what were the chances that Zaheer and Zahraa would even end up going to the same University? And if they didn’t meet up at University, well then he would never see her again. Despite the little shimmers of hope that Zahraa had left him with, Zaheer knew that Zahraa’s departure would mark the end of their relationship. Thus Zaheer was left with a feeling of intense dissatisfaction, and a sad foreboding.
CHAPTER 15: A WAY FORWARD
As time went on Zaheer saw less and less of Zahraa. After coming to the obvious realization that Zahraa and him would be separated, he had decided that he would make the most of a difficult situation and face the new challenges when the time came. For now he was at least glad that Zahraa had come into his life and that he had had the opportunity to have known and learnt from her. Aarif recognized the subtle changes in Zaheer and was the first to comment.
Whereas Zaheer had always loved his sport, he had lately been spending less time on the field and more time trying to catch up with Zahraa. Aarif also commented on how Zaheer didn’t seem interested in any other girls and how he seemed to be focussing more on his studies. Zaheer ignored Aarif’s teases and denied any changes. Zaheer, however, knew that Aarif was right. Zahraa was changing him and, in his opinion, making him a better person. The thing with Zahraa, the thing that Zaheer liked most, was that she was always just so positive, self assured and happy. She inspired him to live a better life, to be a better person and to fulfil his obligations to Allah. She was happy just being herself, and she inspired within him a joy to be himself. Being around her was easy and pleasurable and he never tired of her company.
These days, however, Zaheer and Zahraa could just not get a break. Days had turned into weeks and weeks had quickly turned into months. Zahraa had already written her trial exams and was in the middle of her final examinations. Zaheer was cramming last minute study sessions into his schedule in order to prepare himself for his own examinations which had just begun. And even though Zahraa had become a permanent resident to his head and heart, Zaheer could just not find the time to stress about their future.
Despite Zaheer’s busy schedule and constant worries about his studies and exams, he had to ensure that he used every remaining moment with Zahraa in a manner that he would not soon regret. It was thus, with utmost punctuality, that Zahraa would find Zaheer waiting outside of the Hall at the end of most of her exams (with the exception of the days wherein Zaheer was busy writing his own exams). He would wait patiently until she exited through the door and then walk up to her and say, with the same words everyday: “So how did it go?” Zahraa’s replies ranged from “It went well” to “Ok, I guess” and would happily smile and thank Zaheer for his concern. The rest of their time together would be quickly filled up with silly banter, concerned questions and reassuring counselling. Even though they were constantly surrounded by all of their friends, Zahraa and Zaheer were always in world of their own. To say that Zahraa and Zaheer were friends was simply and understatement. In the little time they had had together, they had come to mean so much to each other and the prospect of it all ending filled them both with sadness.
One day, as Zaheer and Zahraa walked and talked, Zaheer said suddenly: “I really wish you didn’t have to leave next year, imagine having another whole year together.” Zahraa smiled but then, as reality dawned on her, she replied: “Zaheer it would have to end sooner or later right? I mean we’re not just friends- we were always more than that weren’t we?” “Zaheer nodded in agreement. “So where do we go from here?” She replied “What’s our way forward? Even if I had to be here for another year, what then? At some point all this will have to finish right? At some point we would have gotten tired of each other (Zaheer shook his head in disagreement), or the feelings would have just stopped. So it has to end somewhere right?” Zaheer remained silent. Though he could see her logic, he wanted to just hang on to his little fairytale that their happily ever after could exist right now and right here. But the more she spoke, the more he was beginning to acknowledge that the prospect of the two of them living happily ever after now, when they were merely just beginning life, was something unrealistic. Zahraa was right. With them there could be no forever. And without a forever, it would have to end. “Don’t be sad” said Zahraa softly “I’m grateful for this year, I really am. You’ve taught me so much Zaheer and I’m really glad that you came into my life. I’d really like to remember you in this way, with these feelings, forever more. And hey, we still have some time left right. That’s got to count for something right!” Zaheer couldn’t agree more.
CHAPTER 16: THE END OF THE BEGINNING
For Zaheer and Zahraa, time was just not on their side. Though they had both planned on making the best of the little time they had left, they were both constantly focussed on their studies. Examinations had taken its toll on them, and they were both glad when exams had finally wrapped up.
Zahraa had finished her examinations before Zaheer had finished his. And while Zaheer still had to attend school even though his exams had ended, the Matriculants had officially ended school once their final exams had begun. Thus it was that, much to Zaheer’s disappointment, Zahraa Valley could no longer be found at Hillside High.
There was just one week left for school to officially end and all the students, those who attended anyway, busied themselves in sports, games and end of year parties. Yes, the school year was finally coming to an end and, all around, Zaheer was faced with reminders of Zahraa; reminders of the chats they shared; reminders of moments he treasured; and a sad reminder that she, the only girl who ever made him feel this way, would no longer be there. For Zaheer, the absence of Zahraa was like a numbing pain that preoccupied his mind; school was just not the same without her.
“Cheer up!” Aarif told Zaheer. “Look at you sulking man, last year this time you didn’t even know her, now you look lost without her!” Zaheer had to agree that Aarif was right. Sure, a year ago life without Zahraa was normal, but now that he knew her, well, it would take a while to go back to that normal way of life. Aarif was wise enough not to suggest other girls to Zaheer- a testament that he truly did understand how much Zahraa had meant to Zaheer. He did, however, suggest cricket. “Come on man, come join us- we’re looking for another player.” Aarif would say. Well, how could Zaheer say no to that right- they did need him! It was in these moments, the sports that he played, the jokes that he shared with the guys, the teasing and fun; that Zaheer could actually envision shimmers of Hillside High without Zahraa. And it was, in these moments, that he felt most like himself.
It was the last day of school when Zaheer saw Zahraa again. The school had arranged an awards day for all the top achievers of the year and Zahraa, of course, had been invited. From early in the morning the students all gathered in the school Hall awaiting the beginning of the ceremony. Students were arranged according to their classes so Zahraa’s class was seated right at the back and Zaheer, much to his annoyance, could hardly see her (let alone speak to her). The ceremony began with the usual openings- a greeting and speech from the principal, a wrap up of the years events, and various speeches from various teachers. It was after all this that they actually started handing out awards. First the started with grade eights, and then worked their way upwards from there. Zaheer and his friends all whistled and clapped when the grade eleven awards were being given out and clapped and screamed enthusiastically when Aarif’s name was called for top achiever in mathematics.
After the grade eleven awards they continued on to grade 12. The matrics didn’t have final results like the rest of the school, since they were all still awaiting the announcement of their results from the Government. Instead the teachers used the results and efforts accumulated throughout the year and awarded them based on that. It was thus, with no surprise from anyone, that Zahraa received more awards than any other student and, either due to her natural intelligence and aptitude, or her hard work and effort- she, once again, received the award for top achiever in her grade. Zaheer, of course, clapped and whistled with utmost effort and exuberance- and even got all of his friend to join. Zahraa accepted all the awards with a mixture of graciousness and bashfulness.
Zaheer waited eagerly for the ceremony to end so that he could have a final word with Zahraa. Once it did, he made his way to the stage where she had just finish talking to a teacher. Smiling, she made her way towards him. “I see you’re enjoying yourself today” said Zaheer pointing at all her certificates. “How do you do it?”
“ Aah, its not so bad,” she replied, “all you have to do is know when to work and when to relax- thats all there is to it. Oh, and dua- man I make lots of dua!” “I’ll try to remember that” he replied smiling.
“So this is it then” said Zaheer. “You’re leaving me and moving on.”
“Im leaving, im not leaving you” she replied. “There’s a big difference. Who knows, maybe our paths will cross again- you never know right?”
Zaheer just smiled. It was as if his heart just knew how hard this moment was, as if his heart was acknowledging that it was the end. “You know that this is where it all began” said Zaheer. “I saw you there" he said, pointing at the podium, "and you were giving some speech, and it was then that you got me. I still don’t know how you did it, but you definitely got me.” Zahraa smiled and simply said: “well you got me too Zaheer, from the first time when you tried speaking to me- you remember that? Gosh, it seems like forever ago doesn’t it? Well, that’s when you got me.”
Then they both just remained silent. Having a conversation with their minds instead, they both thought back through the year, they both wished that their time hadn’t been so short and they both silently hoped that their story could be continued. They had no more to say to each other, what more could they do? So instead they spoke words of hope and optimism- imagining a time when life could be different and when they would meet again. Then they silently imagined a time when life could afford them the opportunity to take their relationship forward in a halaal way- meeting parents and perhaps even contemplating marriage. For now though, dreams, wishes and dua would have to do...
END OF PART ONE
