“I'm such an idiot!” Zahraa sobbed hysterically . “I mean a part of me thought that when we saw each other again everything would just automatically fix itself.” How stupid can I be?”
After her conversation with Zaheer, Zahraa had managed to stoically maintain her composure. Miriam had seen the two of them talking and was curious to know what had happened. But Zahraa, afraid of her emotions getting in the way, had brushed it off evasively. She had spent the rest of the day juggling as much tasks as she possibly could, just to keep her mind occupied. When Miriam had insisted that she stop working and just enjoy the waleemah, Zahraa insisted that she didn’t want to. The truth was that she was afraid of silence and peace right now. She needed to keep moving, to keep doing, lest she find the time to actually digest all that had just happened with Zaheer.
It was in the stationary car with Miriam, after the waleema, that she finally succumbed to her emotions and broke down.
“What have I done?” Zahraa said, blowing her nose. “I mean I’m the one who ended it, right? So it’s all my fault, isn’t it?” As she said this her tears streamed uncontrollably down her cheeks.
“Listen” Miriam said, trying to be the voice of reason. “You did what was right. Don’t doubt yourself. You feared Allah enough to end it with someone you really cared for. What other alternative did you have?”
“I could have controlled it” Zahraa cried. “I could have just had enough self control. We could have made it work. And now he’s gone forever and it’s all because of my stupidity.”
“How could you have made it work?” Miriam asked, trying her best to console her. “You know as well as I do that these things are impossible to control. You know how you feel in those situations Zahraa, affection, attraction, arousal- it’s all like a drug that we so easily get addicted to. You just want more; you don’t even stop to think about the consequences.”
“Yeah, but I didn’t need to end it completely Miriam” Zahraa said. “I'm sure there must have been another way.”
“Well” Miriam continued encouragingly “At the time, in your case, there wasn’t another option. Yeah, it would have been great if Prince Charming swooped in and married you. Then you could have had it all. But that didn’t happen, and that wasn’t you fault. So stop acting as if you did something wrong. You didn’t!”
Zahraa remained silent, wiping her tears away.
“You have to believe me” Miriam continued “You’re an inspiration for us all, so please don’t even question all your beliefs.”
Zahraa actually giggled: “An inspiration” she said mockingly, half crying half laughing. “Come on Miriam thats taking it a bit far.”
“No I'm serious” Miriam replied laughing: “Do you remember a couple of months ago there was a guy that I was In to?”
“Yes” Zahraa replied. “I remember, that guy from work right?”
“Yip, that same one.” Miriam replied. “He was all sweet and stuff and I really liked him too, but after a while he wanted to get too physical, you know what I mean right? so well, I ended it. And listen Zah, though I never told you before, I have you to thank for that.”
“Great!” Zahraa said sarcastically. “another person lonely and miserable because of me!”
“Stop it!” Miriam shouted playfully. “I'm not joking. I admire you. Sure, I liked the guy. But I kept on thinking about you. If you could let go of Zaheer, who you liked so much, because you feared doing something wrong, then how weak must I have been to continue things with this guy? That thought gave me strength. If you could do it then I could do it.”
Clearly emotional, Zahraa started sobbing again.
No need for words or arguments, this time Miriam just remained silent.
After a while Zahraa stopped crying, reached for a tissue and wiped her face. “I guess its just that at times like this I just question myself.” Zahraa said. “I mean it’s not like he dumped me for someone else you know. If he did then I think I would have just moved on with life. And even though I always blamed him, I always really understood why he didn’t wanna propose. I get it, really. It was just so much easier to blame him. But I guess that there’s really nobody to blame, is there?”
“I guess not”, Miriam replied sadly.
“And I guess” Zahraa continued “that its just sad because I just realized the distance between us. Its like tonight, for the first time, I realized that we’re actually apart. Somehow that was just so shocking, and so sad.”
“You know Zahraa” Miriam said: “You’ll only end up with who you were meant to end up with. Maybe Zaheer and you were just not meant to be together. Sometimes in life people go out with each other for years, doing all sort of crazy bad stuff, and then they still don’t end up getting married. So maybe you and Zaheer were never meant to be together after all. At least you can console yourself with the knowledge that you stayed away from all that stuff because you feared Allah more. If you guys were meant to be together, it would have happened. He would have proposed, you would have said yes and that would have been the end. I think that you should feel happy, because Allah knows what you went through and Allah will not only reward you for it, but will still give you what’s best for you. You never forgot Allah, and insha Allah Allah wont forget about you!”
Zahraa remained silent. But after a short while she said: “Thanks Miriam, that helps alot.”
After that Zahraa’s mood improved dramatically. “Its getting late Miriam” she said. “Maybe we should head home now.”
On their way home Zahraa suddenly said: “By the way, I really don’t think it’ll work with Haarith. I mean clearly I still have unresolved issues and feelings and stuff with Zaheer right? After tonight, I just don’t have the stomach for all of that with Haarith you know? Besides, it wouldn’t be fair on him right now.”
“Are you sure?” Miriam asked.
“I think so.” Zahraa replied. “He’s really great, but I just really cant picture myself marrying him right now. And I think it’ll be better to end it now, in the beginning stages. And well, I’ll just make dua and ask Allah for guidance right?”
“It’ll all be fine.” Miriam said.
“Insha Allah!” Zahraa replied. “I really hope so!”
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