Later that night, after Zahraa had settled down, she saw that a message from Zaheer was waiting in her inbox. Zaheer had simply written:
“I’m still waiting for you to send me a message Zahraa
You promised, remember?”
Whether due to the events of the day, or the brief encounter that she had shared with him, Zahraa desperately felt that she needed to chat with him at that very moment. Though the day had been a joyous one, and though she was truly happy, she felt an immense loneliness suddenly creep up on her. So she sent him a message back:
“Sorry, would’ve sent it earlier but I just had a really crazy day. It was really great seeing you yesterday. You look good too, like you’re happy and doing well. Next time you’ve got a free moment, let me know so that we can chat ok? In the meantime take care.”
She didn’t expect him to reply right away, assuming that he, like her would only see her message the next day after logging into facebook. She hadn’t anticipated, however, that he had facebook mobile, that instantly alerted him via sms whenever he had a new message. So it was that after 5 minutes of her sending her message, Zaheer replied:
“Crazy day, hmm... did it involve a boy? I’m free now. We can chat live on facebook, or better yet, why don’t we chat on mxit? I’ll send you an invite now.”
Now as much as Zahraa had questioned herself before, as much as she had doubted her impending relationship with Zaheer, she couldn’t resist the urge to chat with him. So she convinced herself that it was all just innocent- 2 friends just catching up; and she then proceeded to accept his mxit invite. A few minutes later her phone beeped with an incoming message from Zaheer:
“So what’s up with this crazy day of yours? What happened?”
Zahraa smiled as she remembered Zaheer’s last encounter with Hafsah. With a slight giggle she replied:
“Hafsah had a little baby girl today (wow, Hafsah had a baby- I can’t believe it!). Haven’t yet seen the baby, but Hafsah will be ok. Insha Allah. Anyway, quite crazy running around and stuff. But good crazy- not bad.”
A short while later her phone beeped again: “You’re still friends with Hafsah?”
“Well why wouldn’t I be?” replied Zahraa
As a way of explanation Zaheer said: “You weren’t that close in high school, were you?
“Well no”, replied Zahraa. “But we’ve gotten closer over the years and we’ve all really grown up. Speaking of girls though, what’s the deal with you? Why didn’t you marry that girl you were telling me about yesterday? What’s the story there?”
“No story really” replied Zaheer. “It just didn’t work out.”
“Come on.”, begged Zahraa. “I want details here. Why didn’t it work out? I’m curious to know what went wrong.”
“She wasn’t who I thought she was.” Said Zaheer
Aag! Zahraa thought to herself. Guys really don’t know how to communicate properly. Why do they always find it appropriate to answer questions with just a few words? How is anyone supposed to know anything from such a short answer.
“Why not” asked Zahraa. “Maybe your expectations are too high or something. Or maybe you just lost interest in her after a while.”
Zaheer replied with another equally frustrating short answer.
“No, just turned out to be not my type.”
Zahraa, assuming that Zaheer wasn’t really in the mood to talk, and remembering that she was the one who initiated the chat, decided to cut the chat short. So she thanked him for the chat and prepared to end it.
“Why you’re going soon?” was Zaheer’s instant reply. “Am I boring you or something? Well, I guess you should go if you really need to..."
Zahraa smiled as she wrote: “No, I assumed that I’m boring and bothering you. We can chat for a while longer. Its fun to catch up like this.”
Zahraa and Zaheer’s chat ended up lasting far longer than any of them had anticipated. In fact, it only ended a few hours later. In all that time they chatted about the past few years and all that they had gotten up to. From jobs and studies, to friends and families they chatted about their lives now and all that they had missed. In the time that they were chatting Zahraa had to ensure that her phone was on the charger (since her battery was beginning to die), had gone off to spend some time with her parents before they went to sleep, had arranged all her things for work the next day, and had gotten into bed. By the time they ended the chat she was already in bed and under the covers.
After a while of chatting Zaheer suddenly said:
“By the way, I see you cover your head now. Since when did that happen?
It took a while for Zahraa to realize that he was talking about her hijaab.
“Oh yeah, the last time you saw me I wasn’t yet wearing hijaab full time. I forgot about that. It started a couple of years ago and well, I guess it never ended. Why, do I look really weird?”
“No you don’t look weird”. Replied Zaheer. “Actually, you look really nice.”
Zahraa, who sometimes still felt self conscious over it, couldn’t help smiling.
“Ok, I guess we really have to end this now since its really late already.” Said Zaheer.
“I know” replied Zahraa.” If we continue for much longer we might have no other option but to stay awake for Fajr. So we should really end now so we can actually get some sleep.”
“Im already beginning to fall asleep” said Zaheer. “we’ll continue chatting some other time. I really enjoyed it. I forgot how good it feels just to talk to you.”
“You too Zaheer” replied Zahraa.
Then they said their final salaams and eventually, after wearing out their phones, logged off. In no time Zahraa was fast asleep.
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Chapter 9: A Proposal
Over the next few weeks Zahraa and Zaheer had gotten closer and closer. They’d chat with each other almost everyday, forward silly emails to each other, and sms constantly. Zahraa had to admit that having Zaheer as a friend certainly made each day more enjoyable. Miriam and Hafsah (who was feeling much more confident about motherhood these days) were quick to tease her about it. And though she argued that they were really just friends, the girls were adamant that girls and boys could never really be 'just friends'. Miriam would begin by lecturing her on how illogical it is to assume that men and women can be friends when, by nature, they are attracted to each other. “Especially when you’re single” Hafsah would add. “Then it’s only natural that the two ‘friends’ will turn to each other for comfort, solace and then love.” Zahraa would argue that with Zaheer the whole romance thing was already past, but Hafsah would just continue lecturing her: “How is what you’re doing with Zaheer any different from dating” to which Zahraa would reply resolutely that Zaheer and her were not doing anything wrong. “We don’t go out” she’d say. “We don’t hold hands, we don’t go for lunch or coffee and we don’t kiss. So we’re not doing anything wrong!” Eventually after arguing and teasing for a while longer, they would, for the time being, drop the subject.
It was on a Wednesday afternoon, when Zahraa returned from work, that her mother informed her about the proposal.
“Aunty Zohraa phoned” Farida explained. “She said that her neighbour came to see her enquiring about a girl for her son. She says that he’s a very good boy- he doesn’t have girlfriends or anything. He has a good job and now he’s looking for a wife. So she asked me if you would be interested.
“So what did you say?” asked Zahraa.
“Well I told her it’s your choice, of course.” Said Farida. “I told her that I’ll tell you, you can think about it, and then we’ll get back to her. So what do you think?”
“I’m going to need a little bit more to work with here.” Said Zahraa. “Who is he? How old is he?”
“Aunty Zohra said that he’s an architect or designer of some sort, something that earns well because apparently he is rich. He’s around your age and now that he’s qualified and established, he wants to get married.”
A wave of different emotions suddenly washed over Zahraa. She was apprehensive at the idea of meeting this stranger, yet strangely excited at the prospect of it all. And although she was afraid of venturing into a new chapter in her life, she was confident that the way of the Sunnah was what was ultimately best. Logically she knew that she had to at least give this guy a try.
“Ok.” She said to her mother. “Make the calls and let them know that he can come. I’ll meet him and all of that and then we’ll take it from there.”
When she got to her room, the first thing she did was grab her phone to sms Zaheer.
“Scary scary new territory” she wrote. “Some guy is coming to propose for me. Make dua he doesn’t turn out to be some psycho. I’m a firm believer in arranged marriages, but I’m really quite scared- and I haven’t even met him yet! Please make dua for me”
Zaheer’s message came faster than expected. He wrote simply: “Meet me on mxit”
When Zahraa joined him on mxit, he was already waiting for her.
“A proposal”, he said. “Tell me more”
So Zahraa told him all about the guy (all that she knew in any case) and all the varied emotions that she was going through.
Zaheer simply responded with: “I didn’t know that you were looking to get married.”
“Well I’m not out looking for it or anything!” Zahraa replied defensively “But I will have to get married at some point right?”
“So you’re going to marry some stranger?” said Zaheer.
“Don’t be dumb.” Replied Zahraa. “He won’t be a stranger if I get to know him now will he? Besides, ultimately everyone that ever gets married is a stranger to each other, because you can only really know someone after you’re married- not before! Before just provides you with a fake environment that masquerades itself as a reality.” With that she added. “Don’t ell me that I have to explain the whole arranged marriage thing to you too? Muslims are not oppressed and backwards like the whole world thinks. Arranged marriages are the most natural way of doing all of this. If dating is so wonderful and ‘real’ then please explain to me why couples who have been dating for years, can break up so easily after marriage?
“Chill out!” was Zaheer’s reply. You don’t have to explain it to me. I have nothing against arranged marriages. Im sure the guy wont be psycho or anything. Who knows, maybe he’ll turn out to be your soul mate. If it doesn’t work out, just let me know ok. I know of someone who would be interested in you."
“Oh no” replied Zahraa, “don’t tell me you want to set me up with one of your friends.”
Zaheer’s answer was short, but it suddenly made Zahraa’s heart skip a beat.
“None of my friends are good enough for you.”
Suddenly afraid by the tone and direction of their chat, Zahraa quickly made her excuses, greeted Zaheer, and then logged off. In that instant she had no idea why she suddenly felt so sad.
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Chapter 10: Awkward Meetings
It was almost 2 weeks after Zahraa’s mother had first told her about the proposal and the guy in question was due to arrive at any moment. Zahraa had spent the day with Miriam and Hafsah, trying her best to calm her nerves. Though she knew that the proposal and their meeting tonight was all perfectly logical, she was still filled with an intense amount of fear. Hafsah and Miriam, usually so against arranged marriages, were quick to reassure her that she was doing the right thing.
Zahraa had sat down with her parents earlier in the evening and had gone through the proceedings for the night. First they would all sit casually in the lounge. Then, at the appropriate time, Zahraa and the guy (whose name she did not yet knew) would go and sit in the adjoining room- within close proximity of their parents yet separated enough to actually speak and interact comfortably.
Lost in her thoughts, Zahraa never heard the car approaching and only realised that they had arrived when her father announced: “They’re here!”
Quickly she made a silent dua and then prepared herself for whatever was to come.
When Zahraa saw him, Mohsin- as she was told, her first instinct told her “no!” But, being smart and logical she decided to try to keep an open mind. He was accompanied by his parents and his uncle and all around Zahraa had to say that they were very likeable people. Despite their genial nature however, Zahraa felt like a stranger in her own home. The conversation flowed smoothly and everything seemed to be progressing positively.
When the time arrived, Zahraa and Mohsin left to sit in the adjoining room. Now she found herself in the most awkward moment of her young life and had to restrain her tears that were so desperately threatening to fall. Zahraa was usually confident and self assured. She spoke to all people from different walks of life and had never ever felt meek or shy. But as she sat here, with this stranger, she had to admit that she was actually shy. She couldn’t even utter any intelligible sentences and when he asked her questions (though only a few because he himself looked nervous and shy) she muttered one word answers. She had never in a million years imagined that this would be so difficult, and she found herself counting down the moments when they would eventually leave.
To be fair Zahraa had to admit that there was absolutely nothing wrong with Mohsin. He seemed kind and good, had a decent job and was even quite good looking. But for some reason Zahraa was just not comfortable with him. She explained it to her mother, once their guests had departed.
“He seems great” Zahraa said “But I just always imagined that when a guy came to propose, if he was the right one- I would just know.”
“Well honey, you never just know” replied Farida. “You have to get to know him better and see if you two could make a good match. There’s no such thing as love at first sight. Love is something that you work at.”
“I know that” said Zahraa, tearing up, “I just thought that this would be easier you know. And now I’m sitting here and thinking that I’m the one who is trying to do it the halaal way- but it’s so difficult for me. And there are others out there who have fun and date and stuff and it’s just so easy for them to find the right guy and get married. I keep thinking that it just seems unfair. And then I feel bad about feeling this way.”
With that she suddenly lost the will to hold her tears and they all streamed forth.
Farida tried her best to reassure her daughter. “Life is like that. It may seem easy to do haraam, and it may seem unfair that all those people get married so easily, but when you do things the proper way- the halaal way, then Allah’s blessings will always be with you. Then you’ll find that there’s blessing in your marriage and in your life. You don’t always realize why you have peace and contentment, but it’s because of Allah’s blessings.”
Zahraa tried very hard to be reassured by her mother’s words but it provided her with little comfort.
Later that night she sat on her musalla and cried until her cheeks were red and her eyes were puffy. She knew that her intentions were right, she knew that despite the discomfort, she wanted to get married in the sunnah way, the halaal way. But she also knew that because of the society she lived in, this halaal way was the one that was more difficult and more frowned upon. Mention the word boyfriend and nobody seems to bat an eyelash. But mention ‘arranged marriage’ and everybody automatically thinks that you must be really old fashioned.
So there she sat, talking to her Creator, talking to the only Being who knew her true feelings and intentions. Her Creator knew how difficult the night had been for her, her Creator knew all the doubts and thoughts that were running through her mind, and she knew all to well that this same Creator, who knew her better than anyone else, would ease her troubles and lighten her burdens. After all her duas and all her tears Zahraa had to admit that she felt a little better. Somehow she just knew that everything would be fine. She kept on reassuring herself with the knowledge that Allah would not place a burden she could not bear upon her. She would be patient, she would keep talking to Allah. That, she knew, would ease all her burdens.
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Chapter 11: Just Friends
Before departing the previous night, Mohsin’s family had assured them that they would give the two of them time to think it over, by which point they would contact each other again. So, as Farida and Yusuf explained it to her, Zahraa now had to consider whether she found the proposal suitable and whether or not she wanted to take things forward. Over the next few days Zahraa thought about it constantly but still could not reach a definite conclusion. A few days after their meeting, Mohsin’s mother phoned Farida to let her know that her son was interested in taking things further. Farida told her that she would let Zahraa know, and that she would phone her later to let her know what Zahraa’s opinion was.
When Farida informed Zahraa she was surprised to see that Zahraa, who was usually emotional these days, was calm and assured.
“I’ve thought about it” Zahraa said. “And I came to the conclusion that Im just not ready. Im sorry, I know I thought that I was, but I just don’t feel comfortable with him and I just feel that Im not ready for all of this.” Farida assured Zahraa that it was entirely her decision and that she would let the family know.
It was later, when Zahraa and Miriam were curled up in Hafsah’s house, that Hafsah asked her a question that, up to this point, she had failed to consider.
“Do you think” began Hafsah “that the only reason you’re so against this guy now is because of Zaheer?” when Zahraa remained silent Hafsah continued: “I mean I know that you say you guys are just friends, but do you think that even though you say you want an arranged marriage, your mind is actually closed off to it because you think you have Zaheer as some sort of a backup?”
Zahraa was quick to argue against this: “No!” she said “That would be stupid of me since Zaheer doesn’t even like me like that. I wouldn’t turn down something good because of the slight possibility of something else.”
But even as she said this to her friends Zahraa knew that there was some truth in Hafsah’s question. She knew this because earlier when she had contemplated accepting the proposal, she kept thinking of Zaheer.
Zaheer, much to Zahraa’s annoyance, had pretended as if all was normal and ordinary. While Zahraa expected him to question her about the initial meeting and the events that followed, Zaheer never mentioned it once. Zahraa actually began assuming that he forgot all about it until he surprised her with an ‘out-of-the-blue’ question one night during their usual chats
“So I assume you’re not getting married then?” he asked.
Zahraa was taken by surprise. Up until this point they had been talking about their favourite foods. The conversation certainly didn’t warrant this question.
“Okay, where did that come from?” She asked. “And why the assumption that I’m not getting married?
Zaheer responded: “Well you never mentioned anything about it, or the guy for that matter- so I think its safe to assume that you’re not busy shopping for a wedding or something.”
“No it didn’t work out” replied Zahraa “Don’t think I’m ready for marriage yet”
“Well,” Zaheer replied “Maybe this guy just wasn’t the right person for you.”
“Maybe” Zahraa wrote “or maybe I’ll just never find the right person and I’ll end up alone- with a bunch of cats.”
Zaheer’s response was one of those ambiguous responses that are so open to interpretation, that it left Zahraa contemplating it for days to come:
“Don’t worry, you’ll find the right person. Better yet, maybe you’ve already found him but you just don’t know it yet.”
“Then maybe I’m really blind” replied Zahraa.
She hoped that Zaheer would discuss this further, she even hoped that he may be a little more forthcoming and actually tell her what he was thinking and feeling, but instead he just changed the subject.
That night as she lie in bed Zahraa, for the first time, admitted to herself that she did indeed have feelings for Zaheer and that those feelings ran far deeper than just their close friendship.
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Chapter 12: Lovestruck
After weeks of toiling with her newfound realisation, Zahraa was ready to climb up the walls in frustration. Once she had confessed her feelings for Zaheer to Hafsah and Miriam, they had convinced her to open up to him, and find out how he felt about her. Each day she’d make a firm resolution to be forthright and confront the situation, but each time she chatted with him, she’d just end up chickening out of it.
“Just tell him you like him already” Hafsah said to her one day. “I’m sure he likes you too so what’s the big deal? Just come right out and tell him”.
“I can’t just tell him,” Zahraa argued. “It’s not that simple. I don’t want to make things weird between us. He’s a really good friend and I wouldn’t want to scare him off.”
“Oh please.” Miriam replied, joining in on the conversation. “We told you before that men and women can’t really be friends. So the fact that you guys are such ‘good friends’ obviously means that you mean something to him. And if you mean something to him well then...the rest is obvious now isn’t it?"
Zahraa knew that there was truth in all that they said, but she still couldn’t help being scared. Oh, there were times when she was convinced that Zaheer really liked her. At those times he’d say sweet things like: “you’re one of a kind” or “you’re really great.” When they’d talk about marriage and life he’d always make a remark like: “the guy who gets to marry you will be really lucky.” and if Zahraa ever said anything bad or demeaning about herself, he’d always chastise her and comment on how wonderful she was. Yes, it was at these times that Zahraa would feel special and good, and was assured that Zaheer really did like her like she liked him.
But there were other moments too; moments where Zaheer would talk about how he wasn’t ready for marriage; moments when he would seem so far and distant. In those moments Zahraa was truly convinced that all he really saw her as was simply a good friend.
One night, while they were engaged in their usual chat session, Zaheer mentioned something that so angered Zahraa that it actually made her question her feelings for him. They were discussing their opinions on dating and marriage and Zaheer was relaying various anecdotes about the different types of girls that some of his friends usually dated. As he described it to her:
“You get 2 types of girls; those you go out with for a good time, and marriageable girls- those who may not give you a good time now but you know that they’re the type of girls that your parents would want you to marry.”
The fact that Zaheer described it all so casually, as if there was nothing wrong with it all- really ticked her off. For long Zahraa had argued against the societal norm that was so prevalent. See, guys would date the ‘fun’ girls, doing all sort of things with them- and completely ruining their reputation in the meantime. These girls, though perhaps not so naive and innocent, gave themselves to their boyfriends in the hopes of getting their love, affection and, most likely, their hand in marriage. While most guys were just looking for ‘good jol’ most girls were looking for a deeper lasting connection. Now when it came to time for marriage these same ‘fun’ girls would be sidestepped, making way for the ‘good’ girls who were holy and pious and old-fashioned. Nobody had any problems with the late night habits of these boys- after all, all guys were ‘good’ guys except the druggies and alcoholics and those ‘good girls’, the ones who remained in their homes, the ones who remained chaste and pure, well, they’d end up with those same guys who had spent so much time ‘jolling’. The fact that guys could actually feel proud to so easily categorize girls into the ‘fun’ ones and the ‘marriageable ones’ well, for Zahraa, that was just too demeaning to take lightly.
At first she just ignored her escalating irritation but as Zaheer went on describing these girls, Zahraa couldn’t take it any longer. So she snapped. She told him off about the whole situation and all of her arguments about societies unfair treatment of men and women. Zaheer, clearly taken by surprise, kept on arguing that he was merely discussing it with her and that he didn’t, in any way, subscribe to or engage in any of it.
“Listen” he told her.
“Don’t fight with me ok; I don’t even go out with any girls. Sure there’s been girls in the past and all but I don’t agree with all of this anyway.” “Besides”, he added “There’s only one girl I like and I wouldn’t even know how to categorize her anyway.”
“Not that I would want to” he added quickly.
When Zahraa didn’t answer for a while, Zaheer assumed that she was still angry and, either by means of making amends or lightening the mood sent the following message:
“You know this girl I’m talking about right? She drives me crazy. I’d do anything for her”
Zahraa’s heart began racing as their argument was quickly forgotten.
“No I don’t know her” Zahraa replied “I’d like to meet her sometime though”
Zaheer’s reply was quick:
“Oh come on Zahraa. I’m tired of playing games with you. You know that you’re the only one for me! Now stop being moody and angry and don’t fight with me”.
On reading his message, Zahraa couldn’t help smiling. She thought of everything that they had had back in high school and all the feelings and emotions came rushing forth. She remembered how much he had liked her, and she smiled at the thought that all his feelings had never really been lost. Not losing her bite, however, Zahraa jokingly replied:
“Im the only one for you? Since when?” This is all news to me; did I miss the memo or something?
“Seriously Zahraa” Zaheer replied “I just laid my heart out in front of you here. Don’t crush it!”
Zahraa smiled in response and quickly replied:
“I’m just joking; I feel the same way about you!”
“Well then why didn’t you just say so before?” asked Zaheer “Why put me in such agony here?”
“Men!” Zahraa said aloud shaking her head. Why is it that they expect you to know everything that’s happening in their heads, yet when you don’t clearly express your own feelings, they blame you for not being clear enough!
Zahraa and Zaheer spent the next half hour talking about their feelings for each other, how it went beyond a frivolous high school crush, and how they were convinced that what they had was real true love.
By the time she went to sleep that night, Zahraa was unequivocally lovestruck.
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Chapter 13: Unwelcome Advice
After having all their feelings out in the open, Zahraa felt relieved and satisfied. Their chats were now filled with talk about how much they cared for each other and their relationship was quickly progressing. Now, however, Zahraa began feeling guilty. Initially she had told herself that her relationship with Zaheer was innocent. She had convinced herself that there could be no real harm in their chats and sms’s because there were no real feelings involved. Now that she was aware that they both shared the same deep feelings, she became concerned about their ongoing relationship.
One Sunday afternoon , while spending the morning with her sister, she mentioned Zaheer and everything that was happening between them. What she expected was for Saaliha to be happy that her younger sister was so clearly ‘in love’. Zahraa was caught off guard when Saaliha began questioning her, asking her if she knew what she was getting herself into.
“You usually the reasonable one Zahraa” Saaliha said. “You’re the one who goes on about how an arranged marriage is the halaal way of doing things. You’re so against dating and all of that. Are you gonna just throw away all your beliefs for a guy?”
Zahraa suddenly became enraged. “Well we’re not doing anything haraam now are we?” she asked her sister angrily. “We just chat and sms. We’re not doing anything wrong.”
Before she could continue Saaliha interrupted her. “Zahraa, you know what you’re doing is wrong and you can’t tell me otheriwise. You know that dating is about the emotional as well as the physical. You and Zaheer may not be doing anything physical together- but you basically still dating. And I could understand if it was anybody else- but I just feel that you should know better. There's a right way of doing things and then there's a wrong way. You’re so obviously headed in the wrong direction.
Now Zahraa completely lost it. Who did Saaliha think she was in any case? She had spent years dating her boyfriend, emotionally and physically! What right did she have to come and tell Zahraa how to live her life when Zahraa never gave anyone any reason to doubt her. Despite her efforts to restrain herself, she continued telling Saaliha exactly what she felt. Saaliha’s face immediately dropped and she remained silent for a while.
“You re right” she said to Zahraa. “You’re right about everything. I wasted so much time on Farhaad and I did so much that I truly regret. In all those moments with him I forgot Allah, that's the truth, but Allah never forgot me. Allah saved me from doing any worse, gave me the opportunity to reflect and repent and still gave me a husband that’s far too good for me. I regret my past everyday and I really wouldn’t want to see you walking down the same crappy road.”
“Well I’m not you” replied Zahraa, her anger subsiding. “I know that these feelings are hard to control and that’s why I wont ever even agree to meet him anywhere- because I’m so terrified that we wont be able to control our own feelings.” “But all we do is chat” she continued (trying more to convince herself and her growing guilt than her sister). How bad can that really be?”
“It may not be as bad as actual physical intimacy” replied Saaliha. “But its still intimacy with a guy who is not your husband. You really can’t tell me that you guys don’t flirt and flatter each other. I'm sure he says sweet little nothings to you that raises your blood pressure and even turns you on.”
Zahraa remained silent. She thought about all that had happened between herself and Zaheer lately; all their late night chats and constant flirting.
When Saaliha noticed that Zahraa didn't argue, she continued. “Well that’s where it all starts. That’s how you get caught into the trap- thinking it’s not that wrong though you know in your heart that it is. Until you find yourselves taking it all much further. Trust me I know. Its a lose lose situation here. If you don’t end up marrying Zaheer, you’ll just regret everything you did with him, and if you do marry him then all the blessings will be gone, because of all of these ‘innocent’ moments that you shared before marriage."
Zahraa remained silent and allowed Saaliha to continue with her lecture. She knew Saaliha well and she knew that she was the gentlest, kindest person around. She also knew that all of this advice was simply because Saaliha truly cared for her. And though she really wanted Saaliha to be wrong, she knew that everything she said was true. In the vain attempt to salvage her ego she kept on arguing that she knew exactly what she was doing, but deep down she feared that she really didn’t have a clue.
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Chapter 14: Reflection
Zahraa stood in front of her mirror, a few years ago, taking a long hard look at herself. She had come back from University one day and had been lost in thought. That day on campus she had been paired for an assignment with another Muslim girl, Ayesha, who was not part of her usual crowd. Ayesha was friendly and boisterous and made it a point of making Zahraa feel like she had known her all along. For their assignment Zahraa and Ayesha were required to walk around the University and take photos of different buildings and structures. They then had to compose a photo collage with the pictures and descriptions. The assignment ended up taking far longer than they had anticipated and Zahraa had spent a large portion of the day hanging out with Ayesha.
It was something that Ayesha’s friend Yaseen said to her that really upset Zahraa. He had told her that even though he usually saw her around, and even though he had specifically noticed her, he had never known that she was a Muslim. He said this to her with such surprise and astonishment, as if the fact that Zahraa was a Muslim was truly astounding to him. At first it was amusing and they all shared a good chuckle. But as the day dawned on Zahraa kept asking herself why Yaseen had felt this way. Why, she wondered, would people assume that she was anything other than a Muslim when she had such a deep and obvious love for her faith? Whereas she had always thought that she was proudly displaying her faith, Zahraa now questioned what exactly she really appeared as.
And so it was that she found herself staring at herself in her mirror. It was at this juncture that Zahraa, doing it soley for the pleasure of her Creator and as a symbol for her pride and love of her faith, decided to wear hijaab.
Now she stood in front of this mirror again questioning her current situation. What, she asked herself, was she getting herself into with Zaheer? What, she wondered, could she do to avoid any future catastrophes? She knew that her feelings for Zaheer were the real cause of her havoc. Had he just been another odd friend or acquaintance she wouldn’t have been so worried about where they were headed. Now however every word, line or sentence written, was one more way of sinking deeper and deeper into an unending pit.
The flirting, though casual and infrequent at first, was what bothered her most. And though she constantly tried to assure herself that she was doing nothing wrong, her intense feelings of guilt suggested otherwise. If all was completely innocent, she asked herself, why did she always feel so guilty? After her argument with Saaliha, Zahraa was even more convinced that all her recent actions now had to come to an end. Though she desperately feared losing Zaheer she was convinced that losing the love and pleasure of her Creator would be far more devastating and disastrous. And so, with a heavy heart, she embarked on a final decision.
The constant chatting, waiting emails and romantic messages would have to end. Ideally, and Zahraa was bold enough to admit this to herself, she would love to have just been able to marry Zaheer at this very moment. She had no doubt about the fact that he was the one she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. But what was she to do? She didn’t exactly have enough guts to ask him to marry her. And even though she had hinted at it in their previous chats, Zaheer (though making it obviously clear that he was in love with her) never ever suggested marriage.
Zahraa thought that Zaheer was far worthy of her giving it one more chance. She would try to bring up the whole marriage thing with him and try to convince him of her guilty feelings.
That night when they began chatting, Zahraa was prepared. When Zaheer mentioned how fortunate he was to finally have gotten the girl of his dreams, she quickly jumped at the opportunity:
“So now, what are you going to do about it Zaheer? Whats your plans for me?"
Anxiously waiting his reply (and furiously cursing their slow mxit connection) Zahraa’s heart jumped when she read his reply.
“Well, im gonna love you forever”!
Zahraa had to take a moment to catch her breath and bring down her heartbeat before she calmly managed to reply. She wanted to suggest that he somehow make some commitment to her, some long term goals for their relationship, some suggestion of marriage at least.
“Be careful” Zahraa replied. “Eventually you have to wake up from the dream, don’t you?”
She thought that would make him get the hint.
“What do you mean” he replied. “Did you get some great proposal from another dumb guy?
Finally, she thought, maybe now he’s on track.
“No.” Zahraa replied. “Not yet anyway. I’m just thinking that we have to be real. I mean its not like we’re married or anything. So who’s to say we’ve reached the end already?”
Zahraa could not wait for his response and desperately wished that she was actually having this conversation, face to face, with him. She knew that he had to have gotten her point now. She excitedly thought that he might suggest marriage. When his message came, however, she wished it never had.
“We don’t need marriage to be together” Zaheer replied. “We’re much too young for that anyway! I’ve liked you since the day I first saw you. Its the end for me, you better believe it.”
While she knew his message had all the right 'aaw' moments, and while she really felt the same way about him, Zaheer was just not getting her point. He didn’t understand how guilty she felt every time they chatted. He didn’t understand how conflicted she was, fearing that every flirting moment was compromising her deen. And when she felt her heart racing and nerves pulsating with excitement, yearning for him to be next to her, he just didn’t get how terribly bad that made her feel. She knew that she could have all she so desperately wanted in a perfectly halaal way if they just got married. But now here he was, stating that they were too young to get married; crushing her dreams in just a single message.
Suddenly Zahraa felt an intense wave of nausea as the reality struck her. Now that her best solution had been lost, what was she going to do? She quickly feigned tiredness-though she was anything but, and assured Zaheer that she had to go. As she logged off mxit, she was filled with intense hopelessness and dread.
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Chapter 15: End of the Road
She’d just have to tell him. There was nothing more to it. She would lay out all her cards on the table and be straight forward and honest.
Zahraa spent the next few days deliberating her next move. She hadn’t emailed, smsed or chatted with Zaheer since that fateful chat and he was beginning to suspect that something was wrong. She ignored his many emails and smses and she stayed far away from mxit. She couldn’t stand to lie to Zaheer by telling him everything was fine when it obviously wasn’t. So instead she just ignored him until she figured out what to do.
Saaliha, Hafsah and Miriam were all a big help. She was surprised when Hafsah and Miriam wholeheartedly agreed with all she said. She had at least expected them to tell her that she was being too crazy. Instead they told her that, though they were not the perfect role models, she should always stick to her ideals. Saaliha assured her that she was finally thinking straight and that she was right not to let her emotions get in front of her common sense. Zahraa had always been against dating. But all her feelings for Zaheer had blinded her to the reality that she was, in fact, doing everything that she had always been against. Wasn't she the same one who had told Zaheer, back in high school, that there was no such a thing as halaal dating? She had always had her sense, knowing that flirting and dating could all invariably only lead to one direction. And now that Zaheer had made it clear that he had no intentions of marrying her now she knew that, should she continue down this same path, Zaheer and her would only be headed for destruction.
So she prepared to tell him the whole truth.
She let him know that she was waiting to chat and then logged on, mentally and emotionally preparing herself for what was still to come.
Her phone beeped with a sudden message from Zaheer:
“Okay, so I can call of the search parties now. Zahraa has been found!!! No seriously, where have you been? I’ve missed you!”
Zahraa responded with a simple: “Ive been thinking”
“That sounds ominous” replied Zaheer. “You must have been thinking about some really heavy stuff for so many days! Whats up?”
Okay, this was it. Zahraa took a deep breath and then lunged straight into it.
“I'm afraid that I don’t want to carry on with all of this Zaheer. I really like you, I love you, I do (If I can pretend to know what love is) but I just feel that this is all not right. so, I have to stop it all. I'm sorry.”
Zaheer took a moment before replying: “What are you talking about Zahraa? Whats not right? What must you stop?”
“Well”, she replied. “You know what I'm talking about Zaheer because I'm sure you feel guilty too. You know that our flirting has only gotten worse- what will it turn into if we don’t stop now? We chat all the time. I think about you all the time. I even dream about you. You are everywhere and all over and its just too much. I feel so guilty at times that I literally feel sick. I’ve always said that I cant compromise my Imaan for a guy. And now I feel that with you that's exactly what I'm doing. How can you not feel the same way?”
“I don’t feel the same way”, Zaheer replied “because I know that with you its the real thing.”
“But how does that change anything?”, replied Zahraa. “Whats right is right, and whats wrong is wrong. Do you really think that all of this is acceptable Islamic behaviour? Do you really think that Allah will be pleased with us? Because I'm telling you now, I don’t think so.
“Okay fine”, Zaheer replied. “Then what’s the solution? Cant we slow things down? Cant we just be friends?
Zahraa knew better and so she responded with a simple,
“That could never happen, not now anyway, there’s no turning back.”
Now though she knew what he felt about marriage, Zahraa silently hoped that maybe now, faced with the prospect of losing her, Zaheer would change his mind. But when he failed to do that, when he failed to even consider the prospect of marriage, to even mention it, Zahraa was all the more determined to end it.
Suddenly all was silent. She waited for approximately 15 minutes before he replied.
“Zahraa, I guess that if you feel this way then I really cant change your mind. I’d be a fool to let you do anything that will make you feel guilty, and it would be really stupid of me to let you feel like you compromising your Imaan. I can offer you nothing now. All I am is me and I would never want to be bad for you. I'm sorry that it has to be this way but I don’t see any other possible solution. I know you cant give in, and I understand why. And I can’t do anything either to fix this. I don’t want to let you go, but I think that I have no choice."
When she read his message, Zahraa couldn’t help crying. Her tears rolled off her cheek and dropped onto her phone. She continued crying as she replied.
“Maybe these two hearts were just meant to be apart. We thought we could change that, but we were wrong. I guess we just weren’t meant to be together.”
She couldn’t bear to wait for his reply so she logged off, climbed into bed and cried herself to sleep.
...................End of Part 2................
