Chapter 8: Feelings

Haarith had called. He was interested. He had felt positive over his feelings for Zahraa and he was willing to meet again. Farida had informed them that she would tell her daughter and that she would contact them again. Now it was Zahraa’s turn. Her mother informed her about all that Haarith had said and how he was willing to meet again.
“So” Farida said to her. “What do you think? Do you think you like him or what? Do yout hink he could be a good match for you?”
“Im still unsure.” Zahraa replied. “I mean I read Istikhaara and made dua and stuff. I don’t feel super excited, yet I don’t feel negatvive about it either.”
“So what does that mean” Farida asked patiently.
“Well, I guess I have nothing to lose in meeting him again.” Zahraa replied. “He seems really nice and I was comfortable with him, so I think I’m willing to give it a second go. You can call them and let them know.”

A few hours later Zahraa was filling in Saaliha on all that she had missed. Saaliha and her husband had been gone away for a few weeks and, though Zahraa had discussed it with her on the phone, she was now telling her all about it in detail.
After Zahraa had completed, Saaliha asked her: “So what about Zaheer?”
Zahraa was taken by surprise: “What about Zaheer?” she replied.
“What’s going on there?” asked Saaliha.
Zahraa replied flatly: “Nothing’s going on there. He’s in the past. Why would you ask about him now?”

“Well”, Saaliha continued, proceeding with caution. “You talking about the proposal and for once it actually seems like it might actually work out and I was just wondering if you’re not still holding onto the hope of Zaheer? I mean, are you really actually over him?”
“I have to be over him” Zahraa replied, trying unsuccessfully to sound emotionless. “I have no other choice. Do I have some strange and wild dream that suddenly he’ll change his mind and come propose to me, well no- that would just be stupid!”
“But I mean, do you still like him? Saaliha asked
“I don’t know” replied Zahraa. “How can you tell?”
“Well I don’t know” replied Saaliha. “I guess you just know”

Zahraa thought about it for a moment before replying:
“Its strange because everything happened so suddenly. It was like one day we were professing our undying love, and the next day it was all just over. And so I took all those feelings and I stuffed it as far away as I could- at the very back of my heart and mind in a tight steel box. Its still there, I can feel it. Sometimes when I think about him and the past then I get the sense that that steel box is threatening to open. So you know what I do, I stop thinking about him. I push the box to the very back where it belongs for now.”
“For now?” Saaliha asked.
“Yes” Zahraa answered. “I suppose that one day when I’m happily married and completely over the past, then that steel box will somehow just disappear. Or one day when I hear that he’s happily married then it’s like I’ll know for sure that that steel box doesn’t belong to me anymore. I wouldn’t be able to keep it and so I guess that it’ll have to go.
I don’t know Saal, thats the only way I know how to describe what’s going on with me. Does it make any sense?”
“Yes” Saaliha replied. “It makes more sense then you realize. Besides, and I know that this may be hard to fathom now, but we all only end up with who we were meant to end up with. We don’t really have to worry about anything. Allah has plans for us all.”

It was only later that night that Zahraa logged on to check her emails. Much to her surprise she found, in her inbox, an email from Zaheer. She spent a few minutes contemplating whether to open it or not until her curiosity got the better of her. She read the email slowly:

“Assalamu Alaikum Zahraa. It’s been a long time hey. I’m not sure whether this email address even exists anymore so I guess I’m just hoping that this email gets delivered. I’ve been thinking alot about you lately and so I told myself that I had to email you to find out how you are. I’m sure you great, you’re always great. If you can, please get back to me. I’d really like to hear from you.”

Zahraa read it over again, contemplating what he meant by every word and every sentence. She stared at her screen for a long time, transfixed. In the end she moved the email to one of her other folders- out of sight, just like the locked steel box.